Anime
“OMG, it iz teh gayest stuff EVAR. Its a breeding ground for Wapanese NEEEERRRRRDZ (they call teh luzerz Otakus there), and that's so ghey that I have to make as many crap injokes and internet memes as humanly possible on a page”
“OMG, it iz teh gayest stuff eva. Just a bunch of kiddie hentai crap but wapanese NEEEERRRRRDZ (they call teh fagggats Otakus there) like this kind of stuuf tho, they are so gay the fagets”
“How DARE you american BASTARDS make fun of Anime, the single most incredible art form on the face of Earth? I'd better draw attention away from Anime's obvious core flaws by poking fun at its ridiculers.”
“Anime? I've seen it before. It's overrated; only kids like it. American cartoons are better.”
“DUDE!!!! This shit is AWSOME!!!!....I just wish i knew what the fuck they were sayin'”
“This is bullcrap!!! Who the fuck watches this anyway?!?!? Take this shit back to your chinkie holy land you fucking asian bastards!!!!”
“The truth is, I'm a whole bunch of big-eyed asian mongoloid fucktards and transsexuals who occasionally reproduce, and sometimes the gay dudes turn into girls just so they can reproduce. I have many hot girls, but Ash is the love child of Rurouni Kenshin, Spike, and it all balances out, so you can forget about the ladies. Anime is about mysticism, secret agendas, rediculously big subliminal messaging eyes, and mystically trassexuallizing LGBT people ”
History
Anime was slowly, but carefully invented in 1603 by a man named Oda Nobunaga during his last years. Nobunaga invented anime to scare away the Mongols that were invading Japan. He made people have really big eyes to trick invaders into thinking they were in Europe rather than Asia. Fortunately, due to a rather large tidal wave caused by a rather large tentacle monster, the Mongols all died and Anime had done its deed. Unfortunately, some Japanese fisherman who didn't wash himself properly accidentally brought Anime to the Americas, where it contaminated the youth and brought forth a new era where 16 year old white girls and boys alike tried incessantly to be Asian, and were hypnotized to worship Japan as some mecca of all things awesome.
Due to Anime being ridiculously easy to draw, yet appear to be of high quality, many of our teenage youths have brainwashed themelves into thinking they can draw and subsequently pollute the internet tubes with bad drawings on crappy fan art websites. The victims subsequently get an urge to congregate in hotels for days on end so they can hold gigglefests while watching Bleach and talk about how Byakuya is OMG SO HOT!!1!11 At this point, the disease is well entrenched, but with hard work and dedication, sane people can finally point out to them that they have a crush on a piece of paper, and should seek psychiatric help. (Of course, people who spend all their time drooling over or admiring muscle bound misfits in their day-glow undies are compleeeeeeeetly normal! ) download anime
Manufacturing process
Though originally drawn by hand, most modern anime is generated automatically by computer programs with little to no human intervention. Typically, the anime creation process begins with a title, which are generated by a random number algorithm that selects several words that have absolutely nothing to do with each other and make no sense when put together (e.g. Neon Genesis Evangelion, Cowboy Bebop, Fullmetal Alchemist, Mobile Suit Gundam, Steel Angel Kurumi, Love Hina, and Bleach). A screenplay generator then selects an algorithm from the subgenre pool and generates a storyline that has nothing to do with the title or any of the words in it.
Next, characters must be developed. Male anime characters must have the intellectual properties of turpentine and females must either be excruciatingly whiny and irritating to the point of causing dogs to howl and humans to develop brain tumors or so heart-wrenchingly adorable that one's stomach and soul implode upon processing. Specialized drawing and animation programs add artwork to the story, featuring hair colors not found in nature and large, glistening, creepy eyes the size of coasters. These elements are required by law, as competing art styles were outlawed by the Japanese government in 1977 for not being "from Japan enough".
Finally, the screenplay must be passed through a sophisticated sleaze program which adjusts the depravity level of the production to conform to industry standard requirements for sexual perversity. Anime that is exported to Western countries goes through an additional production step, wherein the voices are dubbed by English-speaking voice actors that are put through a screening process to weed out any sort of talent from the pool.
Subgenres of Anime
Hentai
The most important subgenre of anime, hentai is a type of anime pornography that lots of Wapanese guys like to look at. While you sane Uncyclopedia readers may wonder why anyone whould whack off to a drawing, one has to remember that the target demographic includes people who use four or five Japanese words out of context in their vocabulary on a regular basis in a vain attempt to look cool, and hence cannot possibly hope to mate with another corporeal being. For more information see Lolicon.
Lolicon
[ See Hentai ]
Robots in Space
The Robots in Space subgenre is fairly common, encompassing such marvels of originality as Robotech, Xenosaga, and all 18,000 variants of Gundam. The clever storywriters in the Japanese studios realized that writing an original story was completely optional, and simply rehashing the same shit over and over again with slightly redesigned characters and a few name changes would bring in enormous profit. For a similar phenomenon, see the Final Fantasy series.
Innuendo
The innuendo subgenre was created to satisfy the market segment of lonely Japanese men, and through clever licensing, white teenagers. This subgenre encompasses such sophisticated titles as Love Hina and Chobits. These shows were specifically formulated to make as many sex-related plot points as it took to make every viewer shut off the television or computer monitor off every 30 seconds in embarassment, only to turn it back on and get turned on again.
Samurai/Ninja
The Samurai/Ninja subgenre, including such intellectual blockbusters as Naruto and Bleach, are pretty much the same thing every time, but with a different name and weapons layout (like First-person shooters). To save you time, all of these can be summarized in a paragraph:
Once upon a time, there was a moron with an elusive past who got a hold of some sweet ass powers. Using these powers, he/she fights evil and tries to prove his/herself to the others, who shun him/her. The moron/hero also has a jackass rival who tags along and helps the protagonist out of trouble, but is more awesome than him/her until later in the series, where the jackass rival's powers get crippled or overshot. Unfortunately, due to some outstanding circumstances, one of your compatriots gets taken away by some evil entity and the moron/hero must fight to save him/her. Much talking/fighting continues.
Monologue
The monologue subgenre, embodied by Dragonball Z, would otherwise be a fighting anime, if it weren't for the characters' incessant habit to blab on and on and on for episodes on end, to the point where C-SPAN suddenly seems like a reasonable way to spend your time. Avoid like the plague.
Examples of Anime
Naruto
Naruto is a popular anime series about a white kid with ADD, OCD, and every other mental disorder known to man (traits which are often shared with its fanbase), this white kid's name is Naruto (hence the title). There is also a talentless broad named Sakura who has an unbreakable crush on Sasuke, an emo kid who tries to act all mysterious and deep, but he's only a crybaby because his older brother slaughtered his family and killed everyone he ever held dear. Tough shit. Like nearly every other anime in existence, though Naruto's stupid bumbling, he suddenly pulls out large quantities of awesome out of his ass and saves the day, only to look like a moron because of his obsession with ramen. In America, Naruto is known for his lovable catch-phrase, "Believe it!", which no one ever tires of. Ever.
Fullmetal Alchemist
Fullmetal Alchemist is about an emo midget named Edward and his brother Alphonse. One day, Al was baking a cake, but the incompetent loser forgot to preheat the oven, and was sucked in and killed. Ed, finding him trapped by ever expanding dough, drew a pretty picture on some armor, and Al became a communist robot. They then traveled the world searching for the Sorceror's Stone, to prevent the resurrection of Dark Lord Voldemort, only to discover that you have to be a homocidal goth named Sephiroth to resurrect the dead/perform alchemy on humans. The series is marked by painfully long monologues and loads and loads of emo crap. Although most FullMetal Alchemist fans won't admit it, they actually hate most of the episodes, and are just sitting through hours of pointless oration waiting the brief, mediocre scenes involving Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye, which the show is lauded for.
FLCL
(Stands for Fags Like Crack Lasagna.) Shinji Watanabe wondered how much crack he could possibly do in 24 hours. This anime was the result. Watanabe wrote, directed, and hand-drew every frame of this anime in sixteen seconds, before bursting into flames. Extended exposure to this particular series may cause a mixture of phleghm and pus to fire out of your eye sockets.
Tentacle High
EDITOR'S NOTE: Though confusing to foreigners, this show is understandable if one is aware of a vital aspect of Japanese society: rape is legal in Japan. It's not uncommon for people to violently rape each other as a way of breaking the ice. It's like a handshake, except you can do it multiple times, with all your friends helping.
The show's protagonist, Kisa-chan, is an elementary-schooler admitted to high school because of her prodigious IQ. Unfortunately, this causes jealousy on the part of some of the other students, who decide to pull a prank on her by summoning an Elder God to destroy the entire world. However, intead of summoning an Elder God, they accidentally summon an Adolescent God, who is still in the midst of puberty and very, VERY horny.
Hilarity ensues.
Fan-generated BS
AMVs
AMV is short for anime music video. AMVs are the byproduct of lonely, talentless teenagers who think they're hot shit because they can use Windows Movie Maker to put music they didn't make on top of a video they downloaded. Their natural habitat is YouTube, though they can also live in PCs, Macs, and temperate forests, if the need arises. Nearly all AMVs contain crappy music that does not match with the video at all and mostly serve as an attention grab because the talentless moron can't get laid. (A local AMV creator supports this claim)
See Also
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