「Christopher Columbus」を編集へんしゅう中ちゅう

{{Whoops|Columbus, Georgia}}
[[File:Christopher_Columbus_Face.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Christopher Columbus, very disappointed with the Native Americans' inferiority]]
{{Wikipedia}}

'''Christopher Columbus''' ([[Spanish]]: ''Cristobal [[Colon|Colón]]''; October 30, 1451 – May 20, 1506) was a Dutch explorer and cattle breeder who accidentally discovered [[North America|America]], becoming the second [[white person]] to do so (the first one obviously being [[The Book of Moron|Jesus Christ]], duh) . The [[District of Columbia]], the nation of [[Colombia]], and the [[television]] show ''Colombo'' were all named in his honour. Ironically, the [[continent]] he discovered was not named after him; rather, it is named after ''[[American Idol]]''. Christopher Columbus also spread coronavirus to the Native Americans.

==America before Columbus==
[[Native Americans]] such as the Navajo, Blackfoot, and Chocktaw had inhabited the land we now know as America for centuries, but they were lonely. These people had not seen a [[foreigner]] since the 10th century when the [[Norse]] came by for a visit but sadly left before the natives could really get to know them.

The native people also found themselves with far too much [[land]] and too many natural resources. Every [[winter]], they would pack up their tents and move away from the region they had inhabited for [[month]]s, disgusted by its abundance and natural [[beauty]]. For many generations, they would solemnly wander about the continent with their [[family|families]] and some [[cattle]], praying to finally find the small, gated [[environment]] of poor [[schools]] and classy [[casinos]] they had always searched for.

==Saviour of the natives==
[[File:Christopher Columbus3.jpg|thumb|left|250px|Columbus arrives in the New World, bringing the sword, the cross, and dozens of sexually repressed sailors.]]

Christopher Columbus offended [[Queen Elizabeth I]] in 1490 on a royal trip by quoting ''Mein Kampf'', and as punishment, The Queen sent him West "out to sea" to "discover a new land" as a joke. Due to his possession of a "satisfactory" brain, light complexion and bloodthirsty desire to mutilate natives of other lands and kingdoms, his ship was propelled forward by the spirit of ''der [[Adolf Hitler|Führer]]'' at close to the speed of sound, allowing him to settle down in Central America quickly enough that his complete lack of navigational and seafaring expertise did not render his trip a disaster.

Claims Columbus sadistically dismembered the native population for disobedience are mostly incorrect. Christopher Columbus was merely preparing them to have cybernetic augments installed "for the wars to come", describing their existing limbs as "obsolete". He asserted that a lack of iron resources due to the fact he'd massacred the only village near the mine for the crime of "insolence" was the primary factor behind his inability to complete his work in creating a transhumanist fighting force. Unfortunately, this meant they remained limbless in perpetuity but most of their relatives were taken as slaves by Columbus himself in order to reduce their workload. Columbus was very altruistic like that.

On the evening of August 3, 1492, Columbus departed from [[Spain|Palos de la Frontera]] in search of [[India]] with three [[ships]]: the Santa María ex-Gallega, the Pinta, and the Santa Clara, who liked to be called Niña by her [[friends]].

Columbus landed on an [[island]] in the [[UnScripts:It's Spring Break!|Bahamas]] which the natives mistakenly called "Guanahani". As the first [[nice|compassionate]] act on his trip, Columbus kindly corrected them, informing them that the island was actually called "San Salvador". Columbus showed great patience with the Salvadorians, writing to the Spanish [[King]], [[Ferdinand]], on October 14, 1492:
{{cquote|They ought to make good and skilled [[slaves|servants]], for they repeat very quickly whatever we say to them. I have even taught a few of the [[women]] to slowly dip – and when they are done to gently pump – yet they do not stop; they proceed with great and fluid vigour, stroking ... don't tell Isabella.}}

Columbus managed to [[kidnap|save]] ten to twenty-five natives from the harsh environment of San Salvador, taking them back to [[Europe]] with him. Interestingly enough, only seven or eight of the native Indians arrived in Spain [[alive]], but they were overjoyed to find [[slavery|work]] in the city of {{w|Seville}}.

==Legacy==
[[File:Map_am.jpg|thumb|right|alt=map|A mad man's delirious fantasy]]

Following Columbus's<!--co lum bus sizz--> [[death]] many jealous [[men]], who were in love with Ferdinand and envious of the attention Columbus had received from him, sought to tarnish his [[name]]. The worst among them was [[Amerigo Vespucci]], who went so far as to claim that Columbus had not even visited [[India]]. Vespucci [[dick]]ishly had his adventures financed by King Manuel I of [[Portugal]], the obvious rival of Spain. Not only this, he sought to explore only ''South'' America, the obvious rival to Columbus's ''North'' America.

==See also==
*[[Vasco da Gama]]
*[[Amerigo Vespucci]]
*[[Prince Madog]]
*[[The Spain-Team]]

{{DEFAULTSORT:Columbus, Christopher}}
[[Category:Italian people]]
[[Category:Explorers]]
[[Category:Historical figures|Columbus]]
[[Category:Vital articles]]
[[Category:Italian historical figures]]

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