Doctor
“Aaaaaahhhh!”
“He's a real Doctor with a Phd in Kicking Your ass!”
A doctor is nothing more than a drug dealer with a college degree (Note: Since Dr Dre has finished his degree, he should now be referred to as Dr.Dre, Ph.D. - not to be confused with Snoop Dogg, who has the title Pc.P.). It should also be noted that doctors are paid to be cruel and are frequently torture hobbyists, who like to poke people with sharp objects, administer nasty tasting medications, give enemas, and do other things that cause previously normal people to look like trees and feel like potential violent criminals. In fact, the people they treat are called "patients" for putting up with their sadistic experiments and cruel acts. A more accurate term is victims. A doctor has to say a "hypocritical oath," which means that they can nag you about your own eating habits while being a lardass him/herself. So, forget about anatomy and forget about diseases - if you're really ill, don't waste your money; pop some DayQuills and a GinTonic and you're far better off. Doctors should ONLY be consulted when you need to get high. So, now to the essentials - how to get cheap dope from 'em. Often, doctors give head to patients to ease their pain and distract their mind from seeing minge.
Doctor's Origins
The word DOCTOR comes from the Greek dokein meaning decent, as in "I thought I was going to make a decent living doing this sh*t." Doctors were first used commercially to dispense something called vicodin, a strange and magical pill that grows on some trees deep in the carnivorous forests in central-western Pakistan.
The doctor is in
- DOCTORS HATE THEIR PATIENTS. [[You need to understand and embrace this concept. I have personally referred to my patients as "hoopleheads" and "that A-hole out in the waiting room." The sooner you come to terms with this the quicker you will understand the concept of "the rectal exam" as well as other painful medical procedures. You really don't think we know how much it hurts? We've gone to school longer than you've been alive - of course we know it hurts. That's why we do it. Aside from that, it's a smashing good way to make a living if you happen to be sadistic by nature. Ever notice that whenever you miss appointments and don't go for several days you get charged millions? That's to make sure you show up for our amusement - why else would you, after all, if there weren't unbelievable piles of money at stake when you didn't? - and make us feel a little better when you disappoint us by not making it in.]]
The doctor is high
....on making you feel better. Or Laughing Gas. Honestly. Pay no attention to my 8mm dilated pupils that are briskly reactive to light and uncontrollable drooling. And yes, it is normal for you to bleed that much every month...and you...and you...yes, the both of you three.
The doctor will
- give you zombifying drugs helping you stand a few more crappy years in a lethal environment
- prescribe painful, rectally administered procedures
- Tell you to relax and that you won't feel a thing, then hurt you so bad you scream in pain (VAS 10/10, felt over the anus, relieved by tramadol 17 tablets an hour)
Rubber gloves and other things...
Doctors like to hurt you, and here are some tools of their trade:
- Rubber gloves. They are the worst because when you hear them snap on, you almost scream in fear.
- Speculum. Females know about this one! It is a tool made
to examine normal external genitalia, smooth and parous vagina, closed cervix, no adnexal mass or tendernessfor causing pain. And, the doctor uses this tool while wearing rubber gloves!
- Needles. You are laying on the exam table and you feel a chill as you see the gloves go on. You begin to sweat in fear as the doctor prepares you for the injection. He tells you to relax and that you will not feel a thing. Then he stabs your ass with a three inch needle. Yeah...
- Proctoscope. Males, you know what I am talking about...
The Doctor Is Out
This is what is known in layman's terms as "Wednesday". Please have the courtesy to get sick another day.
When a doctor is incorrect
Never.
Famous doctors
- Dr. Pepper
- Dr. Dre
- Dr. Seuss
- The DOC
- Dr. Yamak
- Dr. Doom
- Dr. Sbaitso
- Dr. Leonard McCoy
- Dr. Who
- Dr. X
- Dr. Evil
- Dr. Zoidberg
- Dr. Ian Paisley
- Dr. Wily
- Dr. Robotnik
- Dr. Feelgood
- Dr. Josef Mengele
