Jehovah's Witnesses

Jehovah's Witness preaching to a person on the street.

History of Jehovah's Witness founding

According to experts, the church was started out by a disgruntled Seventh Day Adventist named Charles Taze Russell who combined Seventh Day Adventist's philosophy with theologies of Mary queen of Scots and repackaged them as his own. Some Seventh Day teachings stolen and repackaged includes the Disappointment of 1844 and the slogan "Off with her head!" as well as Queen Mary's tenets of imprisoning and/or excommunicating members who challenge church authority.

He also stated that the Great Pyramids of Egypt predicted the end of the world which would occur in 1914, 1915, 1938 and the space year of 4000 AD.

In 1914, nothing was really happening and Mr. Russell again reverted to his Adventist roots and claimed that he made a miscalculation. However, World War 1 broke out, and Mr. Russell used this incident to say that Jesus did come, but when the rapture didn't arrive he claimed that Jesus did return, and that all the missing person's reports of 1914 could be attributed to Jesus' return.

The people who saw through that theory realized how much money could be made off of gullible idiots and started their own churches in abandoned Wal-Marts and circus tents, but the people who stayed behind were due for some more nonsense.

In 1916, Russell died and another leader, the alcoholic Joseph Rutherford stole the reins of the church and eclipsed Russell's ridiculous predictions regarding the end of the world, stating that the world would end in 1925, 1936, and the 1940's. He then went on to issue weird bans in his religion. He stated that aluminum cookware was evil, that 2nd hand smoke causes cancer, and that sitting too close to the tv causes nearsightedness if not blindness.

Rutherford then passed away in his mansion Beth Sarim, which he stole from the bible charachters Isaac, Abraham and Moses by gunpoint. The cause of his death was from smallpox which was easily preventable due to vaccinations, but he didn't get one because Jesus came out of the sky and told him to ban vaccinations in his religion.

He was then replaced by Nathan Knorr and Fred Franz, who claimed that the world ended in 1975. The world did really end in 1975 due to Mick Jagger farting his acid-soaked flatulence and killing every human being with his fart, but thanks to the time travelling fetus of Jaleel White, we were saved. However, people forgot about the Jehovah's Witnesses prediction and then dismissed them as that crazy church that didn't allow people to celebrate birthdays and Christmas because Adolph Hitler and Bill Clinton celebrated them.

Members do not admit to the public that they get blood transfusions, but in private, Jehovah's Witnesses are getting blood transfusions every day while registering with the much hated United Nations as non governmental organizations and listening to Prince CD's.

The church currently has 6 million members, most of which suffer from severe cognitive dissonance. Some however are only staying in because if they speak out against the church, their families will disown them.

They mainly enjoy waking people up at 9am every Sunday, just to shit on about Jehovah and all that other stuff, I'm not sure really what they speak about, I just pretend i'm not home.