UnCameron
Hi, my name is David Cameron and I'm the leader of the Conservative Party. You can call me Dave if you wish, not that I'm trying to tell you what to do. "David" is fine. My mother calls me David and she's a lovely woman, so either way it's cool.
This is my own personal uncyclopedia article. I've created this, because I feel that in this modern age of ipods and nanos, it is important to connect with young people and do it in the medium and language that they understand, L.O.L. [1]
About Me
I was brought up in the heaving, multi-cultural metropolis of Wantage in Oxfordshire, by my mother Mary and father Ian: a humble stockbroker. Some people say we were wealthy, but I think "comfortable" is a more accurate description of our circumstances. And we certainly weren't as comfortable as you would expect of the grandson of Sir William Malcolm Mount, 2nd Baronet!
I was educated at a small school called Eton where I achieved reasonable grades, but these were good enough to study at my local university in Oxford. I may or may not have led a very quiet life at university. We probably shouldn't dwell on that fact. The same goes for my time at Eton. Nothing particularly interesting happened in my private life before politics (a private life which I'm perfectly entitled to, by the way) and nobody really cares about it anyway. I don't even know why I brought it up.
I am very much the family man. I have a beautiful wife[2], called Samantha. We have two children together: Nancy and little Arthur. I am a very hands on father. I change nappies, do the hoovering and typical household stuff like that. If you want to watch me do everyday ordinary things, or see exclusive images of my private family life go here!. Alternatively, you could just look in the newspaper. I'm sure there'll be something.
I became Member of Parliament for Witney in 2001 and then in 2005 was chosen as leader of the Conservative Party. Can you believe that? I thought I was signing up for a bridge tournament and I ended up winning the Tory leadership contest! Turns out I'm better at winning elections than I am at cards!
Policies
Well, I think it is important to understand that the most common mistake in politics is to rush into policy-making. Really what is needed at this stage in time is a period of reflection where we figure out who the Conservatives are in the 21st century. Only then will it be prudent for the party to gather together as one and decide what it is that I think. Having said this, I do have some "beliefs". Let's have a look shall we?
Happiness
I believe that happiness is a very important and often overlooked part of both British politics and life. As leader of the modern Conservative Party it is my mission to bring a little bit more sunshine into all our lives. I hope this is an idea that we as a nation can get behind.
Children
I believe that children are the future. One day, years from now, they will be the adults and therefore we should do everything in our power to make sure that the children are one day in the position, in the future, to be of adult age. Not that we should deny them the opportunity to be children in the meantime. As a parent, it concerns me that children are increasingly being sexualised while they're still children and not yet ready to be sexualised in that way. The modern Conservative Party promises to crack down on any companies that we find to be selling to children in an overtly sexual way, if we ever find any. We also think paedophilia is wrong. I have consulted Mumsnet on the issue and I, as a parent, am confident that a majority of the electorate will agree with me on this.
I do think however, that it's important to let our children be adults in the future, when the time arises. If something happens to put that future adulthood in jeopardy[3], then you can rest assured that the Conservatives will be there to help, whether that means better education, extra pocket money to go see a P Diddy concert, or something as simple as a hug. We must also bomb all grammar schools off the face of the earth.
POLICY UPDATE!!! Sorry, did I say bomb the grammar schools? Oops! What I meant to say was that we shouldn't build any new ones at the moment. You can see how one can get confused between the two. So to clarify, let's keep the grammars. I also wish to clarify that this is not a U-turn, it is merely a clarification of my original position on the matter. Go grammars!
Puppies and Kittens
As leader of the opposition in a nation of animal lovers, I believe that little furry animals are all sweet and cuddly. We as a people should give them love and kisses and tasty little treats for being good pets. People stop me in my constituency and say "Dave, are you a dog person or a cat person?" and I ask them "Why should I be either?" There's no need for such arbitrary boundaries when all we are arguing about is love. Dogs and cats should not be segregated, but brought together so that they develop an understanding at an early age. Then we may stop them from fighting "like cats and dogs".
The Environment
Now bear with me here, because what I'm going to say might be considered a bit controversial. I believe that the heating of the earth, leading to catastrophic changes to our climate, including the melting of the polar ice caps and the subsequent raising of sea-levels leading to a terrible watery death for all mankind is a bad thing. Ideally, we don't want it to happen. So, the days when the Tories would go out on team-bonding holidays logging and hunting pandas are behind us. The Conservative Party is now committed to preserving the environment in which we live and to show this commitment, we now have a tree as our logo! Beat that, Gordon!
I of course do my bit to help. I'm using a more environmentally friendly hairspray. So, not only do I look good, I do good. Well, of course, that depends on your definition of good, I'm not trying to impose my ideas of style on anyone here. In fact, I'm doing the exact opposite (see below). On top of that, I cycle to work. My car now only drives my papers to the Commons, reducing the car's weight and therefore the fuel consumption. The cycle helmet plays havoc with my hair though.
The Holocaust
It is my belief that Nazi Germany's systematic killing of the Jews was a bad thing. Furthermore, Hitler was an evil dictator. In order to ensure that such evil, bad things should never happen again, my MEPs will sit with them in the European Parliament (to keep an eye on them) and two of my Conservative backbenchers will be sent on a trip to visit Auschwitz. Let's hope they come back, eh?
POLICY UPDATE!!! It has come to my attention, that insinuating that I wanted to kill my backbenchers in concentration camps was in poor taste. Therefore, they won't be going. It was a silly, gimmicky idea anyway.
Foreign policy
I think it's very important to be visible and proactive in world affairs. When I heard about the situation in Georgia, I made sure I got a flight to the Caucasus as soon as safely possible. While there, I had many productive discussions on the matters of who I am and what exactly I was doing in Tblisi. I also had several long conversations with Dmitry Medvedev's office. His secretary is a very nice lady.
I can assure you that, if elected, I will be ready to exhibit the requisite statesmanship and charm to talk to world leaders. Even as I write this, I am gaining the necessary experience to ensure that they won't confuse me for Tony Blair again.
Change
I hope you agree with me that those are some very impressive policies. However, I have often felt that my election manifesto was missing something. Then, last November, while I was holidaying in America, it came to me. What our country needs is change: a change of politics, a change in the way we manage the country, a change of leader. I think that, whatever your opinion of me or my policies, the vast majority of people in this country agree that there is at least one issue that could do with a change of some sort. Statistically, I am far more likely to oversee such a change of an unspecified nature to such a situation, than the incumbent. That is what I offer. Whatever it may be or however it might come about, I promise that a United Kingdom under my premiership would be in some way different to a United Kingdom run by the Labour Party.
Dave's hair referendum
So, I recently purchased a new comb while attending a fundraising event for comic relief (give money for Africa, my friends) and I've started experimenting with new ways to style the Cameron locks. So I thought "I've got a popular, interactive website. What better way to reach a coiffure-conclusion than to ask my readers what hairstyle they'd vote for?" I don't know about you, but I can't wait to find out.
The A-List
Right, so here's the problem. All my MPs, as good as they are (and they really do a very very good job), are all old, white and horribly middle class. And we really don't want that do we? No we don't. Not at all. Definitely not. So who do you call when you need to freshen up your back benches? Why the A-List of course! They're just like the A-Team, except instead of fighting crime they stand as Tory candidates for the House of Commons, which I think is a dangerous mission in itself! So if you think you're up to the challenge, and you can find us, these are the sort of people we're looking for.
- People from ethnic minorities. We need more black or Asian people to come into our party and kick some ass like BA. "I ain't going on no plane fool!"
- Young People. We need some young "faces" in our party. So if you're as young and in tune with the youth of today as I am, then why not apply? If you're a failed soap actor or were a reality TV star, then even better. Ann Widdecombe may have been on Celebrity Fit Club, but she can't fly the TV flag all alone.
- People with Disabilities. Maybe you're in a wheelchair, or are blind. Or maybe you're "howling mad" like Murdoch. Either way, disabled people are more than welcome in the Conservative Party.
- Women. Margaret Thatcher was a woman and I think she did a very good job (I'm not sure if that makes me a Thatcherite. I haven't decided on that yet). So let's have some more ladies in Westminster, eh? They tell us men what to do everywhere else, so why not in parliament? This doesn't quite fit into my A-Team analogy, though. Hannibal was always dressing up, I guess, so he could have been a woman. Come to think of it, we haven't got any transvestites in our party either. So come on trannies! Why not pin a blue rosette to your dress?
My Cabinet
Of course, I can't beat Labour and put my beliefs into practice on my own, so this section of my article is dedicated to my trusted servants comrades conservatives. I would happily go to war with these men. I mean that figuratively, of course. I may have voted in favour of the war at the time, but knowing what we know now, I would definitely have a good long think before possibly considering perhaps sending our boys to war if I had that decision in hindsight. Now that we've cleared that up, may I introduce my shadow cabinet!
- William Hague. "Willy" is my greatest asset, as his experience in leading the Conservative Party to defeat in the 2001 election, is extensive. He is always giving me sound party-leader advice, like "never wear baseball caps in public". His wise, Oxford-educated, mind provides the perfect head for the position of shadow foreign secretary. He can also drink the rest of the cabinet under the table. It's quite impressive.
- George Osborne. George Gideon Oliver Osborne is my shadow chancellor. I don't know how he gets to grips with these numbers at such a young age. He's virtually come straight out of Oxford, where I hear he was quite the ladies' man. But Ozzy's married now, so well done with that. He's like Gordon Brown, except younger, better looking and not after my job. We both agreed that he's too young to be leader at the moment. Ozzy is essential to my efforts to include poor people in the Conservative Party, as he went to St Paul's school (which only charges £26,000 a year) rather than Eton.
- Oliver Letwin. My fellow old-Etonian and great pal Ollie is doing a wonderful job for me as chairman of the policy review. He also makes an excellent cup of tea.
- Theresa May. When she's not out buying shoes, she's putting her Oxford degree to good use as shadow minister for work and pensions. She's a great organiser. They're all colour-coded and in order of heel-size. She's like the glamorous mother of our big dysfunctional Tory family.
- Chris Grayling. My shadow home secretary really knows his stuff. He is meticulous in his research. He has watched every episode of The Wire, The Sopranos and most seasons of 24 (he stopped in the most recent series, when we decided that we don't agree with torture).
- Alan Duncan. We call him "the cox", alluding to his background on the Oxford Rowing team. A flamboyant, colourful speaker, he loves the razzmatazz of the TV panel game circuit and they love him back. And he's single, ladies! Coxy is a much-loved guest on Have I got News For You, where his subtle wit and good-humour have seen him invited back time and again, earning him a considerable amount in appearance fees. He has to supplement his parliamentary wage somehow.
- Dominic Grieve. "Sherlock" is much admired amongst his colleagues for his have-a-go heroism. This Oxford graduate is always fighting crime, whether he's tackling anti-social yobs, bike-stealing scoundrels or scheming fraudsters. As such, he is the perfect man to be Alan Duncan's boss in the Ministry of Justice. He's most famous for refusing to let burglars get away when they fleeced his house. There's no quit in this man. That's probably what I like about him most.
- Boris Johnson. He's not actually in my cabinet, but having being elected as London mayor, he's the second most powerful Tory in the country [4]. People love BoJo for his blustering old-Etonian charms, but he went to Oxford, and so he's much cleverer than he looks. Or sounds. As I always say, "Boris is Boris." He's a maverick and not always representative of the modern Conservative party. That said, his London election victory was a great success for us and it shows that the party - my party - are ready for government.
Bye!
I hope you've enjoyed this exclusive sneak peak into my world as much as I have enjoyed guiding you through it. Why not vote for me on this very democratic website and get in some practice for the next election? Thanks for your support. Make sure you come back and look out for updates direct from the laptop on my kitchen table, but right now, I'm going to wash up the porridge.
Footnotes
