HowTo:Write a Country Song

Are you an inbred, unemployed white male between the ages of 35 and 69 with only a third grade education? If so, you have what it takes to become a Country Music Superstar! But first, you'll need to learn how to write a Country Song. All you need is a pencil, some paper, a guitar, a few bottles of Malt Liquor and some straw to go in your mouth. You're on your way already! Now just follow these three easy steps and maybe, just maybe, you'll finally be able to make something of your sad, pathetic life.

Step 1: Understanding Your Target Audience

The average country fan is an illiterate inbred redneck who secretly fantasizes about having ass sex with Lance Bass. In order to write a successful country song, you'll need to be in tune with your audience's values, likes and dislikes. Think like a redneck.

Step 2: Choose a Theme for Your Song

Now that you're thinking like a redneck, it's time to decide what your song is going to be about. There are five main themes that Country Songs deal with:

"My Woman Left Me!" is one of the most popular themes in country music. This is an easy theme for your semi-retarded hillbilly audience to identify with, since they too have trouble holding on to women, due to their alcoholism, impotence, small penis size, and closet homosexuality. Be sure to discuss why it's not your fault that damn woman left you and why she'll be sorry later on. Feel free to be a total mysogonist; the only women who listen to country music are lesbians and bikers.

Trucks are another common theme in country music. Hicks enjoy talking to inanimate objects, especially those with confederate flags plastered on the back window. Be sure to describe your love for your truck in detail; discuss how you get an erection every time you squirt down its smooth metal body and how you once tried to have sex with it by sticking your penis in the cigarette lighter. Oh yeah.

"I Got Drunk Last Night and Woke Up in Bed with My Cousin": This is how many redneck children are conceived, and thus a very important issue for the average hick. Also, any song that combines the fun of alcohol with the reckless disabandon of incest is sure to be a hit! You can also write about other alcohol related themes, like bar fights and drunk driving.

Jesus: A redneck's love for Jesus is second only to his love for hunting. Country listeners love Jesus because they will never amount to anything in their life and therefore need the hope of a heaven to somehow justify their pitiful existence. Perhaps if they weren't so stupid, they would realize that Jesus is a lie and nobody will ever love them.

Our Beloved President: There's nothing a country fan loves more than George W. Bush! Many rednecks masturbate to his press conferences and his State of the Nation addresses are seen as opportunities for massive orgies. These orgies are beneficial for Republicans because they often lead to the births of thousands of redneck white trash that will turn into their future voters. It's just like pornography to them. Sing praise to George W. Bush and your song will surely be a wild success. BEWARE!!!! NEVER CRITICIZE THE PRESIDENT IN YOUR SONGS!!! If you want to make a politcal statement, go write a poem at your local Starbucks you Commie son of a bitch! You will be turned into the Dixie Chicks in no time.

Step 3: Write the Song

Once you have chosen a theme, write a song about that theme. Be sure to use lots of simple words. Don't use any big words like Abominable, delectable or Funkadelic. Big words are for evil Democrats. Also, don't worry if the words don't rhyme. Rhyming is for Queers. If your words don't fit in the rhythm of the song, just add in some random unrelated phrases and mumble a lot. Nobody will know the difference.

In order to create a rhythm, all you have to do is have a posse of drunken idiots behind you slapping their knees. Also be sure to add background sounds like glass breaking, dogs barking, and drunken swearing. Those all add to the ambiance.

CONGRATULATIONS!!! YOU HAVE NOW WRITTEN A COUNTRY SONG!!! NOW GO SIT ON YOUR FRONT PORCH WITH YOUR GUITAR AND JACK DANIEL'S AND PLAY YOUR SONG FOR STRANGERS WALKING BY. MAYBE IF YOU'RE LUCKY, THEY'LL THINK YOUR A HOMELESS MAN AND GIVE YOU SOME CHANGE!!!