Gondor

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Gondor

National motto: "Aaaargh, orcs!"
Localization	Right next to the realm of their biggest enemy. Why the hell did they build their city there, the dumbfucks?
Official language	Grunts and screams
Government	Stewards. They would have kings but the people have some weird culture that dictates that only one bloodline may hold kingship.
Current Ruler(s)	Lord Denethor, a.k.a. that dick who tries to burn his son alive
Capital	Minas Tirith, probably the castle with the weakest walls ever, as demonstrated by a couple of Mordor catapults
Other Major Cities	Osgiliath, Berlin, Auswitch, Mullumbimby and that ghetto that no one talks about
Population	Dimishing due to way too many orc attacks
National Hero	Gandalf, who is a much cooler wizard then Harry Potter
Currency	Gondorian mummified orc head
National Cuisine	Roast orc
National Anthem	To long and over-descriptive to put here
Allies	Rohan, Croato-Serbia and Ireland
Enemies	Mordor. That's pretty much all. Oh yeah, and that Saruman bitch.

“The time of men is over. The time of the orcs, has begun!”

~ Orc leader who later gets trampled to death by... men!

“Fucking wankers...!”

~ Sauron on Gondorian peoples

“I say, who wrote this book?”

~ <insert name here> on Random Quotes

Gondor is a peaceful little country next to Germany and Australia, in Middle Earth. It tends to fight orcs heaps and somehow always seems to defeat the dark forces of Mordor, even though all their soldiers suck.

Etymology

The word Gondor probably comes from the Latin world Holyshitit’slotsoforcs. Either that or J. R. R. Tolkien just couldn’t think up any good names.

Geography

Gondor is very large, but most of it is full of hicks whose diet consists soley of paint chips, and most are named Cleatus. The only real civilized place is Minas Tirith, as such most Minas Tirithians refer to the hicks as Cleati.

History

Gondor was created by a strange race of cold-blooded, rotting beings (Sometimes called Teenagers) who had nowhere to stay. They stumbled upon a group of farmers, and together they built the Kingdom of Gondor. Sadly racist problems arose and the farmers banished the teenagers, calling them the insulting name of Orcs and drove them away. Luckily for the Orcs a big man name Sauron came and helped them.

After the first defeat of Sauron, Gondor was on a conquering high, and after not even thanking the elves for their help, decided to vent their aggressive feelings by carving one city out of the side of a mountain 2 miles away from hell on earth. They carved another city out the side of a mountain practically INSIDE Mordor. Later everyone would wonder why it was taken over by Sauron. Great camouflage that was - making the entire city glow green. The two cities would then try to build a huge tower at their summits to prove who had more money. What they SHOULD have done was buy some more soldiers - or at least bribe a COOL and SMART leader to rule them - but, they never did. And times have passed.

Gondor used to have a northern province but gave it away for free to a gaggle of blonde vikings with a horse fetish, all because the steward at the time was busy writing too much Star Wars fan fiction and couldn't concentrate on running his own government. The people finally kicked him out of office when he decided to write a mega-fanfic that merged Star Wars, Twilight and The Office. They replaced him with a long line of Kings, starting with the guy who built all those piles of sticks on the mountains, so they could get help from Rohan. What a moron. He expected everyone in is kingdom to sit next to the piles FOR THEIR WHOLE BLOODY LIVES, waiting for the signal, so they could light up the sticks? Of course they didn't. It was actually a colony of magical gnomes who continued the signal, and the poor buggers were never rewarded.

Considering that they hate orcs, capture hobbits and shun Rohans, racism in Gondor is not too hard to spot. Even their EMBLEM is racist - the WHITE Tree!

Gondorians have a few tactical problems, as this video demonstrates...

As so does this one...

Minas Tirith

Minas Tirith is the capital of Gondor, and is conveniently located right next to Gondor's worst enemies, with no escape routes. And the city has practically no army, either. Yet somehow this stronghold defeats the armies of Mordor?

It sits in a convenient huge grassy field, perfect for a huge army of orcs to attack the city, and it's only protection from this inevitable fate is the crappy stone town of Osgiliath. Funnily enough, when the orcs attack Osgiliath gets owned and just provides a home base for them. More convenience. What a convenient place Gondor is.

Sport

Gondor has a very limited range of sport, due to the fact that they can never go outside. A few kids have Playstation's but they don't even have a Playstation 2, so they mostly have crappy games.

Gondor have a soccer team and compete in the FIFA Middle Earth Cup, but never get any practice, and are slowed down by all that armour. They lost the 2010 FIFA Middle Earth Cup badly, losing 0-10 to Rohan who couldn't be tackled because they just rode on horses. They also narrowly lost to the Mordor orcs 2-3 because of a Red card when Boromir chopped an Orc's head off. He was later banned. They tied with the Shire team but still didn't beat them in their group because the Hobbits had scored more goals.

Ping pong is also popular but one king was killed by a hard hit Ping Pong ball and the sport was banned furthermore.

Government

Sure they look scary, but if a fucking Gondorian can kill one they couldn't you?

Gondor was ruled by a series of Presidents, leading up to Denethor (that guy who gets totally pwned in the third book, lol). Before him was an ape-like being called George W. Bush, who never really fitted in. The first President was a guy named Smith. He caught Swine Flu during the Cold War and left because of a runny nose.

The Presidents ruled by force, but were pretty crappy seeing that they could never beat Sauron and a fucking Hobbit could. I mean, what the fuck is up with that?

Military

The armed forces of Gondor are commonly known as the Really Crappy Knights. They play a big part in The Lord of the Rings but still are about a million times less popular than any other army.

The Gondorian Armed Forces are divided into three branches:

• Crappy Soldiers - with a few horses and stuff

• Air Force - this force can be defined as a little fiery spot named Denethor falling off the top of Minas Tirith. He didn't actually kill anyone, though, and so the Air Force was disbanded twenty seconds after it's creation, probably due to the fact that aeroplanes weren't invented yet.

• Navy - Never actually had a Navy, really, because they never thought of a threat coming from water. Well it did. Twice. What dumbarses.

The Battle for Gondor, now available in fucking crappy animated version. I mean, what IS that thing? An alien with a rake?

Transportation

Gondorians either walk or ride on their horses. I mean, why don't they train a dragon or something? It happened in Eragon so why not here? And what about those fricken' eagles? What dumbfucks.

At least Sauron had dragons. Well at least, I THINK they're dragons. Either way, they own horses any day.

Trivia

• Orcs are so weak. Although, you probably already know that.

• Gondor is part of Middle Earth! Wait, didn't we say that already?

• Your mum is a fag.

• Trivia points are commonly known as random sentences at the end of an article used by a stupid author to take up space so his article doesn't get put on an ICU and is deleted

Sources

• R. J. Neiljot "[ Gondor and Orcs and Stuff]" Penguin, Febtember 00, 20BC

• Bumfuck Williams "[ And Then He Went Bang and Died]" Scholastic, March 5, 10 000BC

• Shakespeare "[ OMG It's an Orc (Aaaaaargh!) - A Gay History of Gondor]" Old n' Gay Books, Sometime long ago

• A. A. Evanson "[ The Site of Untrue Stuff]" Google, April 99, 2012

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