UnNews:Experts discover the writing on the wall

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

6 February 2009

We are reminded of how Hitler came up with his master plan.

A SECRET UNDERGROUND LAB, New York — Today is a glorious day in the eyes of science. A small organization which no one ever knew about finally has made an incredible discovery that will change the world as we know it; after hundreds of years of painstaking research, of desperately trying to answer one confounding question: "What should we have for lunch?"

What, indeed. And now, just mere days ago, the brilliant minds behind this desperate search have finally found the answer WRITTEN ON THE WALL! They couldn't believe their eyes. They couldn't believe that such a thing could ever exist! So they carefully extracted the sections of the wall with blood on them, and then took pictures of the rest of the wall. No one knows where the pictures are today. After that, they took out some champagne and toasted to all their hard work.

After they sobered up, they went to try to find out where the writing came from, and who wrote it. They analyzed the handwriting very carefully, tried to find out where the ink came from, and how old it was. The result was astonishing: It dated all the way back to 1980. How they missed that for 29 years is still unknown. They then proceeded to ask the next question. They didn't get an answer.

So, now, what does all this mean? What did the scientists do after that? What will they do now? How will they pay their bills? Where the hell IS Waldo? No one knows, and, more than likely, the scientists will be trying to answer these questions for the next 20 or so years. But I personally doubt that the answer will be quite as clear as the writing on the wall:

JUST ORDER A GOD DAMNED PIZZA ALREADY!!!'

Sources

• The scientists.
• My gut.
• What are we talking about, again?
• Some guy I saw on the street yesterday.