User:SIGINT/Future Jesus
Future Jesus is the incarnation of Jesus that returned to Earth during the 21st century, fulfilling Biblical prophesy. Future Jesus battled the anti-Christ and opposed the formation of the Republic of Gilead by Jerry Robertson and the Church of Conservapedia. He was eventually crucified by the CIA on the orders of Christian fundamentalists, who insisted that he couldn't possibly be the real Jesus because he was nothing like them.
Early Life[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Future Jesus was born to Marisha F. Redneck, a large woman from a large white trash family on long-term welfare. Marisha's mom was a meth-addicted prostitute, her dad spent 32% of his life in federal prison. When Jesus was born, Marisha was in the fourth grade and claimed to be a virgin.
Tests conducted in 2050 by Paris Hilton, by now the ageing host of a Jerry Springer-like freakshow, revealed that the DNA of Future Jesus was composed entirely of Elemental Jesus. This proved that he was the Son of God, and not the Son of Marisha's long-term boyfriend of two months, Billy-Joe Hicks.
Future Jesus grew up in a trailer, despised by both respectable churchgoers and Liberals. His constant preaching got him banned from all local malls and car parks. He eschewed physical possessions and lived as a bum, but his charismatic manner and excellent oratory still attracted a small crowd of followers. Future Jesus' insistence that he was (a) Jesus, and (b) right about absolutely everything marked him out as deeply insane although apparently harmless.
Controversy[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Future Jesus regularly attacked established churches for "hypocrisy". Many churches refused him admittance because of his habit of heckling the services. Future Jesus could not keep his mouth shut while a pastor was speaking.
"Rubbish! I never said that!" and "Boy, did you ever miss the point!" he would shout. He would then be dragged out by security, usually yelling about "taking my father's name in vain" and "twisting God's words for evil".
Future Jesus had an unexplained ability (possibly miraculuous) to suddenly appear within a congregation, even if door staff had carefully screened everyone entering the church. It was in such a crowd that he heckled Reverend Jerry Robertson, national broadcaster, Presidential candidate and spokesman for the Church of Conservapedia, accusing him of "blasphemy" and "crimes against God". After Jesus was forcibly ejected, he reappeared on stage and continued to challenge Robertson to justify his messages of "Christian" hatred.
Fame[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
The Robertson incident brought Future Jesus to world-wide attention. Liberal broadcasters loved him for his perfect ability to annoy Christians, while fans loved his unpredictability and forthright preaching. His career got a further boost after the Pope denounced him as a "false Christ" and Westboro Baptist Church pointed out that he was "probably a faggot". Over one billion people watched him convert Richard Dawkins to Future Jesus-ianity.
Miracles[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Future Jesus is said to have performed many trailer-park-based miracles, including turning soil into meth and curing AIDS. He also convinced several pimps, drug dealers and petty criminals to renounce their wicked ways.
However, Future Jesus refused to perform any miracles on TV after Penn and Teller challenged him. They argued that anything he could do, they could do better, as they'd been in the bullshitting business for much longer. Future Jesus responded by curing Teller's speech impediment.
Death[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Future Jesus was arrested for the final time after the Church of Conservapedia formed an alliance with the Pope and Al Gore's Inconvenient Church. Despite their differences in religious ideology, the three churches used their combined power and political influence to make "Claiming to be Jesus" a crime, punishable by public execution.
Despite mass protests from the "Save Jesus!" coalition, Future Jesus was jailed. Sensing public anger, President Jean-Claude Van Damme started an online poll to decide whether Future Jesus should be pardoned or crucified on an electric cross. The public voted overwhelmingly for crucifixion, and so it was that Future Jesus was nailed up in a very visible position on the Hollywood hills.
Resurrection[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
It is rumored that Future Jesus has already returned and is still among us. His Future Jesus-ian followers claimed that he returned to them within three days of his death, but he has never appeared on TV since then, so might as well not exist. And following the arrest and purge of the Jesus-ians by President Jerry Robertson on his first day in office, we may never know.
All hail President Robertson and the righteous Republic of Gilead!