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From today's featured article [Feature an article]

[a black screen]

JOHN TRAVOLTA: Ya know, I never really liked cold openings in movies.

[the no-longer-black screen reveals John Travolta, Samuel L. Jackson, and Bruce Willis sitting in a diner]

SAMUEL L. JACKSON: ’ The fuck’s a cold opening?

BRUCE WILLIS: Damned if I know.

JOHN TRAVOLTA: A cold opening is when a movie, just, you know, just starts, outta fuckin’ nowhere.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON: Ah, you mean that narrative technique that motherfucker Quentin Tarantino is fond of using?

JOHN TRAVOLTA: The very same.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON: A-heh-ha-hah…Quentin Tarantino. Now that motherfucker’s a real motherfuckin’ motherfucker.

BRUCE WILLIS: No fuckin’ shit.

JOHN TRAVOLTA: Hey guys?

BRUCE WILLIS: What?

JOHN TRAVOLTA: Let’s pull out our guns and start yelling.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON: Fine by me.

JOHN TRAVOLTA: WE HAVE FUCKING GUNS!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON: Damn motherfuckin’ right we do, motherfuckers!

[freezeframe; fast-paced surfer-rock begins playing] (Full article...)

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Did you know... [edit]

... that "crack" is the hood's most effective diet pill? (Pictured)

... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
... that you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, today!
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?

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In the news [edit]

Kamala Harris announces her VP pick

Ukraine finally plays its Uno Reverse card against Russia
Tommy Wiseau making movie on cocaine sharks
Harris announces shark as running mate (Pictured)
Trump: How could an Indian be Black?
Nigel Farage blames murder on migrants and sucks Trump's dick
YouTuber Mr. Beast really professional fraudster.
Olympic Games begin with Lady Gaga at opening ceremony
Cocaine sharks now in Brazil
Michael Bay working on Skibidi Toilet movie
Joe Biden drops out of the presidential election in social media statement
Houston now controlled by gangs after Hurricane Beryl
Presidential candidate and former president Donald Trump gets shot at rally, rushed offstage
Stephen Root warns character actors of impending doom: "You're not safe either, Malcolm McDowell"

Ongoing: Russian Invasion • Israel-Hamas conflict • United States presidential election
Recent deaths: Aerosmith • Charles Cyphers • Olympic Games • Elon Musk's attempt to interview Trump • Gena Rowlands • Peter Marshall • Greg Kihn • Phil Donahue
Upcoming deaths: Vladimir Putin • Kate Middleton • Elon Musk's home firewalls • Unity in America • Noam Chomsky • The Sims 5 • Google as a monopoly

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On this day [edit]

August 27: The Day After Tomorrow

1793 - French counter-revolution. Corian becomes the counter du jour.
1883 - Krakatoa explodes, hurling pumice, rubber ducks, loofahs and other bathing accessories over 150 miles.
1928 - The Kellogg-Post Pact, renouncing oatmeal as an instrument of foreign policy, was signed by 60 cereal companies.
2002 - Armageddon
2002.5 - Armageddon Nervous
2003 - Armageddon Outta Here
2 minutes later - Chuck Norris remembers to close the door of his fridge.
2004 - Three days from last Tuesday, something important happened.
2006 - Today is really August 29th.
2007 - Today is the day before tomorrow.
2009 - Scientists proved the real reason of global warming is increasing group sex rate of eskimos.
2101 - All your base are belong to us.

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Picture of the day

Windows XP is a reliable computer program, as shown here.

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