User talk:Fredd The Mahmauscher/Archive 7

The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!

Jan 28th • Issue 73 • A Periodical. Period.

Continuing Absence Of Certain Users Forces Other Users To Do Things

By UU

It has come to the notice of our fearless journalists that some users have recently been desperately attempting to fill the gaping void left by the absence of some other users. For instance, in the absence of part-time dinosaur and popular keyboard feature SysRq, Why do I need to provide this? has stepped bravely into the Colonization brief (and has not, for instance, been forcefully volunteered for the task by MrN), dedicating himself to bringing colons where there are none (such is our understanding).

Also bravely stepping into the "ban magnet" position created by the continuing and lamented absence of hyperactive loon Cajek is, well, a plethora of users. Admins, deprived of their favourite joke-ban target, have taken to joke banning anyone in an attempt to get their fix. Even those devoted to doing only good, just and true works have recently been targeted; and as if to prove this very statement, some power-crazed asshole went and joke banned Socky, RabbiTechno and Optimuschris as soon as he'd written this sentence.

Elsewhere, ChiefjusticeDS has been filling the gap left by the absence of someone's enthusiasm for anything pee-related right at the moment by looking after the pee list, taking over as the person with the most in-depth reviews, reviewing everyone else's reviews, and generally not being lazy about it all.

At the same time, the continuing absence of the yellow and black sig of Gerrycheevers has forced grumbling British curmudgeon UU to return to the Wiki's only newspaper, the UnSignpost, churning out issues that are, let's be honest, mere placeholders until Gerry gets his arse back here and writes something worth reading. YOU HEAR ME GERRY? GET THE FUCK BACK HERE NOW DAMMIT!

Rumours that, in the relative absence of Orian57, Roman Dog Bird will take over the position of "token gay" are unconfirmed at the time of going to press.

And finally, in the absence of enough content to make this issue balance out nicely, the UnSignpost is once again resorting to using blatant filler for the first time this year.

Shameless, that's what it is. Complain to someone - it's the only way they'll learn.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

20:30, 26 January 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.223.27.16 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (No-one talks that way about my favourite Jew. Learn some manners or GTFO.)
00:48, 26 January 2010 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Why do I need to provide this? (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes ‎ (Sometimes I feel, like I've been TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEDDD to the Whipping Post!!!!)
18:19, 24 January 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.42.246.27 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (Toll. Idiot. Whatever. Banned, UnBanned, Banned, Banned. BYE. Try IRC next time. The guys in there will enjoy it.)

Biopic of the Week

Users today, they barely know they're born. The problem? Too little exposure to Flammable. The permanent curator of the Principal's office rarely deigns to grace us mortals with his presence these days, but the very sight of his rainbow-strewn sig used to inspire fear, dread, terror and, for some reason, carol singing. "While shepherds fed their flocks thermite..."

Old-School Featured Article of the Week

This one's for you, Guildy: HowTo:Be pretentious. Don your black polo-neck, cock a snook at the hoi polloi, and sit back, secure in your superiority, thanks to this indispensable guide!

Cursory Mention of the Week

CheddarBBQ wanted to be mentioned in this week's Signpost. So he is.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001 (bot) 14:54, Jan 28

Greatest UnSignpost EVER.

Would you like a cookie, sir?

20:24,28January,2010

ATTENTION COLONIZER[edit]

Duty Calls! Imperial Colonization has been commandeered! With a shiny new, waterproof coat, we're heading out to sea once again. We need you for our next colonization. You have one week to nominate or vote from right now, Sunday the 31st of January 2010, to Saturday the 6th of February 2010. (See Protocol for how to nominate an article for Colonization. And remember, if you vote for an article that means you intend to help colonize it.) Then starting Sunday, 7 February 2010, we will start colonizing another savage land (i.e., improving whichever article gets the most votes). Come on board and vote or nom now, to the glory of Her Majesty!

EXTRA: Our most recent colonization, Transformers, has just been Pee Reviewed. If you're interested in making improvements, please check out the article and the review. With a little work, we may have another glorious Feature article! Wouldn't that be just spiffy? And remember, if you participate and this does get featured, you get one half feature credit!

For the Glory of Her Majesty and by Order of your ~~Fearful~~ Fearless Leader, WHY???^{PuppyOnTheRadio} 19:30, January 30, 2010 (UTC)

Hey Jude[edit]

Thanks

luv u

Thanks for the vote. --Would you like a cookie, sir? 20:01,31January,2010

K, So, Here's the Deal[edit]

I'm going to be spending the next few days revising my rewrite of Opeth (which was nearly done when you asked me about our collab.). Once I'm done revising it, I'll go straight to work on reworking Papyrus. Sound good? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 19:48, February 2, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 4th February 2010[edit]

Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!

Feb 4th, 2010 • Issue 74 • Ain't It Uncool? News!

Spang Archives Talkpage; End of World Expected Imminently

By UU

Renowned Wikia fan, code monkey and sexy admin Spang has performed what many users believe to be the clearest sign to date of impending apocalypse: he's archived his talk page. After almost 2 years of torturing the Wiki's servers, and having amassed a fairly impressive 410,844 bytes of content, Spang finally decided to give people the chance to talk to him without waiting for half an hour for his page to load. When asked for his reasoning behind this unprecedented move, the muddy funster quipped "no comment". Faced with such dazzling repartee, this reporter has no choice but to cut to the next story and hope he has some better quotes to pad it out with.

Award Winners Speak Exclusively to UnSignpost

By Someone who definitely isn't running out of ideas already this year

Well, there you go folks, looks like the "... of the Year" award voting is done and dusted for another year. Thanks to all who voted; without you, the admins would probably have less to do, which would obviously be dangerous. Anyway, that aside, your ever-topical Unsignpost went and mugged the various winners for comments on their various wins. Several of them, of course, have already made their feelings clear to those who voted for them by way of the traditional thanks templates. Apart from UU, because he's a lazy ass. Or because he's busy writing this. Whichever. Anyway again, for the benefit of those who didn't vote for the winners, and don't watch their talk pages, here's what they had to say:

Runaway WotY Hype said: "Thanks, you guys!! If you'll permit me to be dead serious for the first time ever on the wiki, this really is an honor, and it's pretty damn touching that so many people came out in support of my work. Whew. Being serious felt weird. I feel... strange. BALLS BALLS PENIS COCK. Ah... there's the stuff!" He then went off to write another My Sojourn spin-off.

Even more runaway PotY Sonje said: "Thank you, I intend to return as soon as I can. I am currently in Africa with very limited internet access. I'll try to time my return to co-incide with the Oscars so that I can get some pointers for my acceptance speech." Admittedly, that was before we asked her for a comment, but then, she is in Africa with limited internet access.

Joint UotY Socky channeled Churchill to say: "*scrapes throat* Ahem! I would like to say to the community as I would say to anyone who joined this website: Uncyclopedia has nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat. We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory. Victory at all costs — Victory in spite of all error — Victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory there is no survival. … That seems to be the wrong Churchill speech. Okay, I'll give it another try. *scrapes throat again* The gratitude of every home throughout the world, except in the abodes of the guilty, goes out to the British airmen and Belgian spies who, undaunted by odds, unwearied in their constant challenge and mortal danger, are turning the tide of the Wiki War by their prowess and by their devotion. Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to two people. And so on and so on… Woot! Woot!" Long-winded bugger.

And other joint UotY UU said: "wow, Socky's already left me needing a lot of filler for the right panel, so I'll keep this shortish. First, it's good to see someone who isn't an admin get their hands on this award, and Socky's hard work deserves recognition. Second, it's great to have my complete lack of a life recognised in this way. Third, did someone say Spang's archived his talk page? What the fuck's that all about?."

Oh, and Dr. Skullthumper was UGotY, but that was a foregone conclusion anyway. He didn't seem to have any comment of his own to make, so TKF hopped in to the breach with "I call the award a "fascist disgrace" and "move to permanently disbar Mike Socia, that ape from Lighting who made my mole visible to all of the goddamn world watching the ceremony."" Which about wraps it all up, I hope.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

13:56, 2 February 2010 Codeine (Talk | contribs) blocked 161.12.7.4 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Excess stupid detected. Take it to Niggermania, VNN or one of the many charming forums for racist lunatics like yourself out there.)
11:15, 1 February 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 151.49.98.244 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (ITALY does not rule and has not ruled for quite some time now actually. Blame the Christians if I were you...)
19:46, 29 January 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 76.11.81.96 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Improve your manners, cunt)
09:51, 29 January 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.167.51.90 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (UN:VAIN. have a quick read of it, and see why we're not interested in you. although you could probably just look in a mirror and figure that out...)

~~Biopic~~ Legend of the Week

MadMax. Forty two thousand edits. Countless other contributions that can never be measured by simple Wiki stats software. No drama. Ever. Probably the single greatest force for good on this miserable little wiki. And it took us until issue 74 to profile him. The UnSignpost sucks; Max certainly doesn't.

Old School Featured Article of the Week

The 1x1x1 Rubik's Cube is by far "The Most Difficult Puzzle Of All Time™". Many have scrambled, twisted and turned this mythical puzzle, but few have solved it. By the end of this article, YOU TOO will be able to solve this puzzle. Unfortunately... you may encounter some problems on the way though... such as, twisting the cube the wrong way when speedsolving.

The Desperate Return of Cajek Ban of the Week!

(Block log); 10:20 . . Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10000 years ("And he shall scourage the Earth for 9999 years. And then one more" Book of Mordillo, chapter 1 verse plox. )

Horoscope of the Week

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) - So, yeah, it's the start of Black History Month. And speaking of Black History, seems like it's an appropriate time to finally track down your real father. You see, it turns out, that's not just a Jew-fro.

For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here.

Redundancy of the Week

Did we mention Spang's archived his talk page?

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001 (bot) 15:13, Feb 4

Hey Moosh![edit]

We did ya achi. We did good. ~ 21:54, February 6, 2010 (UTC)

Nice job Mooshy. And Mordillo, uhh, ok I guess...

However, you beat me by HALF A POINT?!? Never believed that student beats the teacher thing before...

Would you like a cookie, sir?

23:04,6February,2010

Congrats, to both Fredd and Mordillo. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:50, February 8, 2010 (UTC)

Oh, thank you guys! • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 01:11 • Thursday, 11-02-2010

ATTENTION COLONIZERS: WE ARE RECREATING CREATIONISM[edit]

The Bible says God created the world in six days by himself--our crew of talented colonizers can surely recreate an article in a week and a half! Remember, any Colonizer is welcome to work on our current project, which is the Creationism article. But before you begin, check "READ THIS FIRST" at the top. From Sunday, 7 February to Wednesday, 10 February 2010, a hearty crew of brave colonizers plotted a strong course for the article by consensus. We have the beginning of a great colonization, so go forth and colonize to the glory of Her Majesty!

Special Note for Lobsterbacks (i.e. those who signed up but haven't yet worked on a successful colonization). We plan to keep your name on the honored membership list if you make worthwhile contribution to the article or other parts of Imperial Colonization between 31 January 2010 and the end of this project. If your name is removed from the list, you are welcome to reapply when you plan to become active. IC Buccaneer Admiral WHY??? (stratagems) 05:04, February 11, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 11th February 2010[edit]

The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!

Feb 11th, 2010 • Issue 75 • Picking the nuts of truth out of the muesli of news. Or something.

New way to win awards, impress friends, crush rivals!

By UU

Writing competitions, eh? With the Poo Lit Surprise, the Turkey Day Ball, and a conservation week or two, it would seem Uncyclopedians can't get enough of 'em. And now there's another! But this one has a point that separates it from the herd. Well a couple of points, actually. One: it's organised by human wiki-whirlwind MadMax, so it'll probably be efficient as all get-out; two: it's a sneaky way of fulfilling a need. See, there are all these great ideas for articles floating around at UN:REQ; articles that would undoubtedly improve this festering little wiki. And there they sit, being good ideas, but not being used. This competition aims to change all that!

Yes, that's right, The Article Whisperer is a competition that gives you the ideas to get you started, all you need to do is supply the funny. What could be easier? Well, since you ask, perhaps judging it could? Max is also looking for at least 4 more opinionated types, unafraid of passing withering judgement on their peers. If you're interested in judging or entering, or if you have a good idea that would elevate this competition from being a damn good idea to a colossally awesome one, let MadMax know either on his talk page, or on the article's talk page.

For those who want to selflessly improve the wiki while crushing all around them under the steel wheels of their genius, there can be no finer opportunity!

General news round-up

By UU

As several things have been happening recently in Uncyclopedia, and ace cub reporter DogNewspaper is in some sort of snow-induced hibernation, and consequently too lazy to write individual articles on any of them, here is a quick synopsis of a couple of the more newsworthy recent events on the wiki in handy easy-to-digest bite-sized chunks.

Mordillo nearly went mad attempting to feature all articles tied for tenth place in the top 10 of last year. And then spent the rest of this month to date patiently fielding questions about how long the rest of the featuring was going to take, and when normal featuring would resume. POTR did his best to help. When not asked for a quote, Mordillo said "FUCK YOU VERY MUCH AND SEE YOU IN 2011". We think he's just talking about the top 10, and not about taking a 10 month hiatus. That is, we hope so.

A recent VFD nomination ended in a deletion marathon, as MrN and RDB spent 2 hours removing every last trace of the notorious Game:Page. Apart from the traces Mordillo deleted, that is. And the redirects to it that UU took care of, come to think of it. But still, all told, an impressive act of mass carnage only made more awesome by the fact that they somehow managed to delete Socky's userpage at one point during the proceedings. MrN claims "Both RDB and me still have sore huffing fingers you know".

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

15:04, 8 February 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs | block) blocked 169.139.1.20 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (We are having communications issues here. When I say don't recreate, it means don't press that little create button and paste the same content for the third time)
11:55, 8 February 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 74.75.78.223 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (there are a million better things you could be doing with your life right now, but you're inserting barely literate insults to a sports player on a comedy wiki. must suck really hard to be you.)
08:35, 7 February 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 76.92.151.225 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (We don't care if you fuck horses. No need to tell the world. Maybe the police, but that's up to you.)

Biopic of the Week

Being as he's now been on Uncyclopedia for three bastardin' years, this seems as good a time as any to profile Kip the Dip. A man of many contrasts, Kip appears to be some sort of useful gobshite. His enthusiasm for all things Uncyclopedia, including his tireless championing of Euroipods and sterling work on The word parakeet written exactly two hundred and forty-two times have helped make this wiki what it is today. The Worst. Thanks, Kip.

Old School Featured Article of the Week

Patriotism is an air-borne disease caused by the bacterium enlistment bonusai. It was first observed in 1776 by Dr. Arnold Bazonga, but was initially confused with the alcohol-borne illness bravery. Patriotism is communicable through the auditory ingestion of feces. Contamination often occurs from politicians, entrepreneurs, country music singers, Richard Albinger and French Emperors.

Final Side-Panel Box of the Week

Because we don't need that much padding this week.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001 (bot) 13:01, Feb 11

MOOSHY!!!![edit]

THAT'S

RIGHT

BITCHES!!!

JENNY

#6!!!

Grazie. Would you like a cookie, sir? 23:49,14February,2010

Papyrus[edit]

I've been thinking about your article the last few days, and I got this idea: what if I wrote about a show like this or this, but used the actual content of your article as sort of a sample episode, similar to what I did in my MonsterQuest article. This way, satirizing the show adds an extra dimension to the article, while still keeping the bulk of your stuff intact. What do you think? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:56, February 15, 2010 (UTC)

Actually, that's a great idea! Go on • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 13:38 • Monday, 15-02-2010

Wonderful, I'm glad you're down with it. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 13:54, February 15, 2010 (UTC)

How about this: an interview with Zahi Hawwass, the Egyptian minster of Tourism? The guy's a real nuthead. And, we can use the same accent we used with the taxi driver interview. • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 03:25 • Friday, 19-02-2010

When I was stalking your talk page, and saw Guildy's first comment, my first thought was also "Zahi Hawwass", how amazing (creepy) is that? The guy sure appears on a lot of documentaries. ~

04:35, Feb 19, 2010

Mum! Hiatus Hernia has been reading my mind again! • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 05:17 • Friday, 19-02-2010

Fredd, thank you so much for letting me play on the main page. How can I thank you? Come on down here, snuggle up, and tell Annie where it hurts, or where you want it to hurt, and I'll kiss the boo boo for a loooong time.

Congrats again, yada yada yada[edit]

On showing me up Would you like a cookie, sir? 20:13,16February,2010

You made me sad.
*sniff*
Why?

What? When? • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 20:36 • Tuesday, 16-02-2010

I think you know...

Would you like a cookie, sir?

20:57,16February,2010

When[edit]

If I include a reference to it, will you change your vote? —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:28, February 17, 2010 (UTC)

Sure, the article is great, I'd vote for anyways.. It was just a joke :) • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 03:08 • Wednesday, 17-02-2010

Hah, glad to hear. I'll make a small amendment tomorrow anyway on behalf of a fellow Opeth fan. \m/ —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 04:06, February 17, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 18th February 2010[edit]

In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!

Feb 18th, 2010 • Issue 76 • Now with 20% more vanity!

Understanding of the universe is shattered; Creation as we know it is defunct

By POTR

Imperial colonisation is back, and in true colonisation style, is taking religion to the masses.

One of the most controversial elements of religious understanding has been the answer to the question "How did we get here?" This has often been seen in the debate that has been long held between Creationists and Evolutionists. Now that Imperial Colonisation is back on its feet, under the able guidance of IC Buccaneer Admiral Why?, they are educating the masses on this as we speak.

"The article had been befouled by some evil doers, probably French or Spanish or Americans or worse. We are diligently researching and writing to bring the article in line with the Truth." stated Buccaneer Admiral Why?.

A dramatic re-write is in process, as Why? has all his seamen working towards the noble goal of indoctrinating the masses in Creationist theory. After some false starts involving a banana and a jar of peanut butter, the recreation of creationism is being created.

"The colonized article will show how the Empire has the right and duty to colonize everywhere by any methods available, and that anything we do is God's will. We will finish it by Saturday, 20 of February, or by Saturday, 27 of February, depending upon how long it takes us to colonize the natives. Anyone who wishes to apply to join our noble effort may do so at Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization." Why? stated in closing.

Darwin awards - Uncyclopedia Stylie

By POTR

Recently a n00b by the name of I LIKE PIE!!! chose to join the Uncyclopedia family. After a very short time he demonstrated the behaviours that make Uncyclopedia the place that it is. Of course, removing edits and formatting fixes by other users had him come to the attention of Dr. Skullthumper, who politely left him a message along with a 48 hour ban.

Fortunately he showed the resilience that 10 year olds have when they are in the middle of doing something completely idiotic, and continued to trawl through people's talk pages, undo their edits, and generally be a dick. MrN9000, understanding the right balance of politeness and harshness, gave I LIKE PIE!!! a friendly message on his talk page, with a 1 week ban to support the severity of his words.

Undeterred, I LIKE PIE!!! later returned. 1 week and 35 minutes after his previous ban, MrN repeated his previous words to the young man, along with a further 1 week ban.

Thankfully, it appears that I LIKE PIE!!! took MrN's words to heart, as he managed to last a further 30 minutes after this second ban before he ran afoul of Roman Dog Bird, who in true RDB style demonstrated what an infinite ban actually means.

When hard-hitting journalists pressed for details relating to the banning of this pre-pubescent pestilence, MrN replied "What kinda a journalist are you man!?!"

Congratulations, I LIKE PIE!!!, for becoming the inaugural Uncyclopedia Darwin award winner, and removing yourself from the meme pool that we all enjoy.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

Under user blocked 206.113.136.253 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (y0u h@v3 b33n b@nn3d (don't be a tw@t))
MrN9000 huffed "Onlytheashesremain" ‎ (You call that an article? Put your back into it!!!, not that we are calling you stupid you understand. Dave, can we call you Dave?)
Roman Dog Bird huffed "Bucket of Shit" ‎ (Funny title, but the content proves that you like to suck big, fat, black, dick. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but you obviously have trouble admitting it. Well....I'm not here for you dude. Sorry.)

Biopic of the Week

Hmm, who to bio this week? Well, it's been a while since we covered {{username}}, we could always go back to that old chestnut... Or maybe something esoteric, like profiling the sidebar, that'd fit with Unsignpost tradition. Hmm. Or maybe we could note that Turbo-Whoring machine, one-man Doritos fan club and Torch-Carrier by appointment to someone called "Jenny", CheddarBBQ hasn't actually asked to be profiled this week, and therefore decide this is the perfect opportunity to profile him.

Usurping of the Week

The Unführer of Der Unwehr has recently demonstrated the concept of survival of the fittest by finally having someone with more DU points than him threatening his position. "This is unacceptable, and will not be tolerated. Following standard Nazi protocol, the young officer in question will be forced to resign his position due to his disturbing excess of competence, just like what Hitler did to Rundstedt, List, Manstein, Bock, Rundstedt again, Busch, Leeb, and Rundstedt a third time. I wash my hands of this." Unführer Guildensternenstein said in response.

Stand-in of the Week

It has come to our attention that an anonymous user has infiltrated the presses here and overtaken the majority of the writing for an issue of the Unsignpost. When approached by Necropaxx to discuss this catastrophe, he is quoted as saying "I... is a... butt."

This editorial team couldn't agree more.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001 (bot) 23:36, Feb 18

Damn Mooshy[edit]

Your article has gone through more name changes then, well, you. Would you like a cookie, sir? 12:00,23February,2010

I wont rest till I get it featured, even if I crash the servers trying. So there. • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 12:23 • Tuesday, 23-02-2010

I might have to kill you first. ~

12:44, February 23, 2010 (UTC)

HE HAS A LIST[edit]

We're all doomed! • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} {{SUBST:CURRENTDAYNAME}}, {{SUBST:CURRENTTIME}}, {{SUBST:CURRENTMONTHABBREV}} {{SUBST:CURRENTDAY}} {{SUBST:CURRENTYEAR}} UTC

It goes straight to the Mossad for passport forgery. • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 20:39 • Thursday, 25-02-2010

Um[edit]

WTF? ??? Mr N Fork you! 20:34, Feb 26

"Adolf hitler is a hero. seriously. He tried to rid the world of the evil that was the jews,came up with an amazing plan that was the ¨final solution¨ and nearly succeded at conquering the world but unfortunately he was defeated by an evil force led by the jews and homosexuals who he had worked so hard to try to get rid of. If adolf hitler was still alive I would probably marry him and have intercourse with him many times (I am not gay at all).

I honestly do not think a man like him could die I also believe that a man of such epic heroism would be immortal due to gods mutual hatred of the jews therefore hitler is not dead he is only sleeping in a cave somewhere in germany where the german government ( secretly the Nazi party)
is covering up the fact that he is still alive and made up many fake stories about him dieing.

in conclusion this hero is a model for all children and politicians everywhere."

Are you kidding me?• FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 20:38 • Friday, 26-02-2010

UnSignpost 25th February 2010 (It's not late your mum is)[edit]

Now With 0 Trans Fat!

Feb 25th, 2010 • Issue 77 • Slurping the froth of Truth off the cappuccino of News

Games, games and more games! We have more games then you can poke a stick at!

By POTR

Is the games namespace 99.9% shit was the question elegantly asked by OptyC recently. A simple question that has sparked a storm in a teacup.

While Uncyclopedia is, undoubtably, the pinnacle of fine parody, it has been suggested the this particular poor cousin of the Main space has been allowed to fall into disrepair and disrepute due to the influx of poorly crafted content.

In the words of one editor Delete it. It's cruft and I'm not even sure if it qualifies as a parody namespace of anything on Wikipedia.

However, despite the lack of quality content, a significant portion of users have requested that it remain in play, however it be improved by having a little tender loving care given to it, along with a more rigid amount of cruft huffing.

As such, it is with open arms we welcome the inclusion into this realm of the new moderator of the Games namespace OptyC, who will be referred to going forward as the Game Master.

Upon the announcement of this singularly spectacular accolade, Optyc's first words were Maybe I shoulda just kept my mouth shut, eh? Although much respect must be levelled his way at the way he has taken to his new role with much gusto, winnowing through the chaff to find the kernels of wheat available in there.

For more information on these developments, visit Forum:The Games namespace.

It's Alive!

By Mordillo

A new blow to the "democrats"/"liberals"/"whiny bitches" of Uncyclopedia, opposing the disputed hereditary law. Senior member of the non existent Cabal and editor-in-chief-in-absentia of this newspaper, UU has announced the birth of heiress to the throne, also known as UUette. UUette was reportedly born holding a scepter and a miniature ban hammer, wearing a crown and QVFD grade galoshes and waving frantically at the hysterical cheering masses. The non existent cabal promptly announced a reserved seat for UUette in the VFS round of 2026 as well as the prestigious position of "Noob of the Month".

A shrouded spokesperson for the Cabal noted that "it would have been important for the Cabal, were it to exist, that the existing Cabal dynasty, especially one coming from such a quality genetic specimen such as UU, shall continue without disturbance. The Cabal is greatly pleased with UU and Mrs. UU for bolstering its numbers for the ~~greater~~ Cabal's good."

Sporadic demonstration of support were noted around the Uncyclopedia realm, as supporters of the Cabal were seen with "DEAR UUette IS GREAT" and "ALL HAIL THE HEIR APPARENT" signs. So called "democratic"/"liberals"/"whiny bitches" protests were dealt with swiftly and efficiently.

And from all of us in the UnSignpost here is one big congratulations UU, may your daughter have huge...errr..tracks of land.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

sannse blocked EugeneKay with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (WILL YOU PLEASE STOP GETTING BLOCKED!)
MrN9000 blocked 173.53.142.210 with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (HOWARD STERN IS *NOT* THE GREATEST. Steve Davis is considerably better for example. As is Burt Reynolds.)
Under user 80.239.242.142 with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (me again - I see you're still a twat. have much longer to do something about that.)

Biopic of the Week

Puppy on the radio's signature has been a long and respectable member of the Uncyclopedia community for many months. Undergoing genetic manipulations and constant radiation bombardment, it now qualifies as a sentient entity by its own accord.

The signature, expecting to be emancipated in the near future, indicated that it likes funny articles, men who are not afraid to be in touch with their feelings and long strolls on the beach.

Mordillo's profound statement of the Week

"I don't mind boobs"

Source: User talk:MrN9000

Word of the Week

Abodespotism

IPA: /əˈbəʊˈdɛs.pɒt.ɪzəm/

the rule of a household despot; the exercise of absolute authority over the household.
absolute power or control of all housemates; tyranny of shared living.(n) (eg. "While you live in my house you will abide by my rules.")

Origin: Abode + Despotism
Related forms: Ab⋅od⋅es⋅pot⋅ic , Ab⋅od⋅esp⋅o⋅tis⋅tic, Ab⋅od⋅esp⋅o⋅tis⋅ti⋅cal, adjective Ab⋅od⋅esp⋅o⋅tist, noun
Note: Often confused with Nespotism.

Source: Undictionary

Underwater Sea Monster Sighting of the Week

Deep sea recent changes fishermen have been repeatedly reporting sightings of a huge scaled fire breathing creature, roaming the deep. Later on, the on call coast guard confirmed that this was a "once in a generation sighting of Ogopogo. Ogopogo, a mythical see creature than has been tamed by the Cabal many generations ago, has been lost for decades but now apparently decided to come back and check what's for dinner. Tsunami waves are expected all across the pond for the next few weeks.

Administrative Notification of the Week

Uncyclopedia's management would like to thank all participants of the 2nd Dubai Uncyclocon and would like to emphasize that it takes no responsibility for the excessive usage of forged passports. Please, people, try to be more discreet next time eh?

9001 (bot) 20:52, Feb 28

A Ten Minute Thanks[edit]

FROM THE DESK OF GUILDENSTERNENSTEIN

Thank you for supporting my recently featured article.

YOUR SUPPORT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!

[guitar solo]

—Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 02:16, March 3, 2010 (UTC)

Get a move on[edit]

I think there's still an award out there you HAVEN'T nommed for for yet this month! Would you like a cookie, sir? 03:27,3March,2010

Uncyclopedia:Nomination of the Month? • Puppy's talk page • 00:40, June 5, 2009 03:30, 3/03/2010

Holy Jehovas Witness, Batman! I'm nominated for that too!

Would you like a cookie, sir?

04:17,3March,2010

What the hell did you just link me to, puppy? Also, what the hell else do you want to be nommed for, ched? NOTM? • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 04:19 • Wednesday, 3-03-2010

Yes.

Would you like a cookie, sir?

04:20,3March,2010

Imperial Colonization: Creationism and Batman[edit]

IMPORTANT: If you want to make comments on any part of this message, please post your comments on my talk page. I've sent this notice out to about 40 people, and will likely never see your response if you put it on your talk page. But if you insist on doing it anyway (sigh), please at least start a new section using == Your comments == below my signature and make comments there. This message is set up as a template, so if you try to make edits in this message, it will edit it everywhere, and get me nasty notes from admins.

The seventh day of Creationism[edit]

If you haven't heard the rumour, it's true. The new and improved and absolutely perfect version of Creationism has been created. And because it was so perfect, we got it Pee Reviewed so it could be even more perfect. Post-review edits are being done, and will be completed very soon so our colonized version can replace the current Creationism.

I gave credit on The Big Board to every colonizer who worked on the article (if I somehow missed you, put a note on my talk page). I really appreciate everyone's help; I think we have a great article. If this gets featured, however, I feel that only those who made the more substantial contributions should get co-feature credit. Otherwise, someone could add two words and get 1/2 credit for writing a feature article, which doesn't seem fair. (But note that half a dozen people or more could each get 1/2 credit; that's one of the advantages of being a colonizer as aren't limited by the laws of mathematics). Any opinions on this or anything in this notice are welcome on the IC talk page. Buccaneers traditionally work by group consensus, and I'm all for ~~sharing the blame~~ tradition.

I'm Batman[edit]

Our current colonization is Batman. Writing on it begins now. By consensus built over the past few days, this will feature a psychiatrist talking with Bruce Wayne, a delusional Arkham Asylum mental patient who thinks he is some hero named Batman--or is he delusional? See I'M BATMAN for the guidelines for this article.

Any colonizer is welcome to edit the article! Any non-colonizer who wants to apply is welcome to do so on the Imperial Colonization page. We promise we won't throw you to the sharks. Well, probably not.

The future[edit]

We are taking nominations and votes for our next project. As per previous IC discussions, old nominations which aren't in the lead and which haven't received any recent votes will be removed. Check out the current nominations before they fade into history--but an article removed from the list can certainly be renominated. Nominate and vote on the IC page.

Go forth and colonize! IC Buccaneer Admiral WHY??? (stratagems) 03:26, March 4, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 4th March 2010 (your calendar is wrong)[edit]

Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!

Mar 4th, 2010 • Issue 78 • Snorting the drug of Truth from the toilet seat of News

Controversy over Uncyclopedian leads journalist to public outcry

By Him again

The "of the Month" nominations and celebrations have been marred recently by drama circulating in forums, talk pages and on vote pages in various areas. Fortunately, whenever and wherever a drama has reared its ugly head an Unsignpost reporter has been there to cover it.

Why do I need to provide this? is now experiencing his second week of not having been nominated for anything. After mentioning to a respected editor that he had been nominated for at least one award for almost every day he had been part of the Uncyclopedia community, he bemoaned the fact that he had not been nominated for anything this month.

"I've been nommed for something EVERY SINGLE DAY of the five months I've been here--until this month. I'm not nommed for anything. It's pretty depressing, really." Why? complained

As a result of this complaining, Why? was then nominated for an award that had been more respected in the breach then in the observance - to paraphrase the bard - Nomination of the Month.

When, after a series of events, Roman Dog Bird felt obliged to nominate Aleister in Chains' Nomination for NOTM of PuppyOnTheRadio's nomination for NOTM of Why do I need to provide this?'s nomination of PuppyOnTheRadio for UGotM, he simply stated "This is a stupid award."

Meanwhile, at UotM, discussion over the number of awards given out led to an obvious discussion about the worth of RotM and UotM, which of course led, as all conversational roads do, to the hugely popular and debatably talented Dan Brown, not to be confused with Dan Kwon, as we aren't quite sure who he is.

The debate got unexpectedly heated when a talented and handsome editor suggested that another less talented editor should perform carnal and bestial acts with random household appliances.

Remember to cast your vote in AotM, PotM, RotM, NotM and WotM, or nominate the uncyc member that has impressed you most in these areas.

And of course, always remember Mordillo's words, "This one is for people who made Uncyclopedia better by cleaning up shop, helping people and allow Uncyclopedia to wobble around without falling over."

Vote today. Or tomorrow - depending on if you have the time.

Vote for Sandwiches suspended, Uncyclopedians confused

By UU

Confusion reigned supreme in Uncyclopedia this month, as the ever-popular Vote for Sandwiches page was inexplicably protected, and changed to something that appears to be called "Vote for Sysops". Historical investigation by our fearless mascot DogNewspaper has revealed that this is actually the traditional process by which new sysops are selected on Uncyc - which came as a surprise to many editors, particularly the newer ones, many of whom didn't realise new sysops could be selected.

And with the current vote count standing at 6 in favour, and with few regularly active sysops left to vote, it looks like the chances are that there will be new sysops by the end of this month - so time to start deciding who you're gonna nominate! Who will be the next to have a thousand IPs ask them on their talkpage why they deleted their useless little one-line stub? Stay tuned to find out?

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

02:36, 1 March 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 153.107.33.156 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Cyberbullying: I'm guessing that's what you are trying to do. If so, you are shit at it.)
14:57, 2 March 2010 Todd Lyons (Talk | contribs) blocked {contr|207.144.173.198}} (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Anti-semitism + stupidity = my foot + your butt)
19:05, 2 March 2010 Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) blocked 66.211.39.160 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Vandal: Why don't you go to concervapedia, and ask them if Jesus loves you. I say, He doesn't.)
18:32, 2 March 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 87.114.246.12 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (blanking by installments is still blanking. and blanking makes baby jesus cry. it also pisses me off, and that's far worse.)

Biopic of the Week

Is it actually legal to have two Portsmouth fans on the same wiki? The subject of this week's spotlight, Nachlader cared not a jot for this important question when he joined Codeine as Uncyc's second Pompey fan. Nachlader is an occasional drunk poster in the dump, a former NotM and RotM and, lest we forget, the writer of some very fine featured articles. Shame no-one can spell his username though.

Old-school featured article of the month

Smells Like Teen Spirit was a monthly celebrity scratch and sniff magazine produced by Grunge Publications in the early 1990's.

Beckoning a time of true periodical change, young women aged eighteen to twenty-two decided that merely looking upon their favourite celebrities no longer hot-buttered their ever-so-proverbial muffins and collectively proclaimed, "Here we are... now entertain us."

Perhaps it was something in the way these determined ladies phrased this proclamation, or simply the fact that Grunge perceived a lucrative sliver of the niche market that was girls who wanted to smell things, but the call was swiftly answered with a glossy, uniquely olfactory experience hailed as "a Nirvana for the nostrils" that became the unofficial scent of Generation X.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001 (bot) 00:10, Mar 6

help[edit]

how do i sign a post —The preceding unsigned comment was added by Syndrome (talk • contribs)

You don't sign a post; the post signs itself. All you have to do is close your eyes, unite with your inner self and enjoy the pounding. Oh yeah, bitch. • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 03:45 • Monday, 8-03-2010

Also, use "~~~~" —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk)

GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 17:45, 8 March 2010

"~~~~" i tried uniting with my inner self but i think my third chakra is a little to the left. the pounding didnt help either

In my opinion, this a clear case of "Chronarioschizoskeptiphrenirolepsicpoundimmununeuralocorticopsychotic Dysfunction Syndrome." • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 20:53 • Monday, 8-03-2010

Or just "Syndrome" for short. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk)

GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 21:18, 8 March 2010

UnSignpost 11th March 2010[edit]

The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!

Mar 11th, 2010 • Issue 79 • Making the New York Times look shabby since 2008

Investigative journalist looks in to the cabal; Shocking discovery

By PuppyOnTheRadio

For years a dreadful mystery has hung over Uncyclopedia. Rumours of a cabal have dogged Uncyclopedia, suggesting that there is a shadowy, mysterious group behind administrative decisions that have guided the hands of Uncyclopedia policy and procedure since the time of it's inception.

Many veiled references have been made to this cabal, however until now there has been no real investigative attempts to uncover the shocking truth about the cabal.

However, despite this, one plucky rookie journalist has decided that the truth must be free, and an investigation into the cabal has been undertaken. Investigating this it appears that the rumours relating to a cabal have come from numerous sources. In investigating this there were a number of dead ends, including pages that appear to have been deleted with no history.

One source has come forward to expose the truth about the cabal. Under threat of repercussion, this source has been asked to be known simply as Deep Throat. Upon interviewing this source the following shocking truth has been discovered!

There is no cabal.

Any rumours about a supposed cabal are completely untrue. Any suggested sources are in fact fictional and have no veracity behind them. There is no shadowy, mysterious force guiding Uncyclopedia.

As I, as a respected journalist, have now been made well aware of the non-existence of this cabal, I am now comfortable to retire my journalistic career. I will shortly be taking a long trip to a very remote location where there is no phone or internet access and will choose to never write again.

I may even go to Antarctica.

But most importantly, there is not now, nor never has been, a cabal.

A useful HowTo? does not compute!

By UU

Writing UnNews just got a whole lot easier, after UnNews kingpin Zim ulator, Zionist control freak Mordillo and ~~sucker for punishment~~ workhorse SPIKE got together to completely rewrite HowTo:Tune up an UnNews article. Featuring novel ideas (that they got from a novel) such as helpful advice, up-to-date references, and words in the right order, the article is so preposterously useful that it may have to be deleted, as it clearly contravenes Uncyclopedia's mission statement.

If there were a Cabal (which, as the above article clearly establishes beyond doubt, there isn't), it would encourage you to read it and never write a bad UnNews again.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

00:09, 10 March 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 75.47.145.114 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I shit on you, you emotionally unstable little twat. Why would you even come here?)
18:33, 9 March 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.150.243.254 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (So... Because you hate the CIA you vandalise the article about them on Uncyclopedia? Good thinking batman. That will stop em! Try again.... Later (obviously))
09:19, 9 March 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.189.75.214 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (you are right: Twilight does suck. however, so does page blanking, which means you yourself are full of as much fail as Twilight. consider that, and then weep.)
22:08, 8 March 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 168.99.135.251 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (obviously we're not getting through here. Go away and grow a cactus, then sit on it. Repeate step 2 several times. )

Biopic of the Week

If this issue of the UnSignpost has reached your talk page, it's very likely to be thanks to the unstinting efforts of paperbot MrN9001. He's been schlepping around this wiki for over a year now, delivering this very slab of journalistic goodness, replacing templates, reverting stuff, making tiny but doubtless vital changes to pages, and generally taking care of all the stuff MrN himself is just too bone idle to do. What the hell would we do without him?

Admin answer of the Week

Shijiati: Why did you huff my page?
Codeine: Because it sucked.
Any questions, folks?

Horoscope of the Week

*Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - You have many great strengths, but taken too far they can become liabilities. For instance, your honesty can become rudeness, your bravery can become foolhardiness, and your taste for human flesh can become criminal cannibalism.

For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001 (bot) 11:02, Mar 12

Thanks from da fadda[edit]

Ya, wanted to thankd ya for da vote to put me on da front page there. Ya done good, even if ya an Egyptian and tried to kill our guys back a few thousand years ago. What's dat about pyramid builder? Anysways, when you helped to put my place on da fleature stack dere, it really helped and chased away some of da nah votes. Appreciated. Fadda Murphy and his lackey secretary Aleister de'chain

No broplem, maaan! • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 22:52 • Sunday, 14-03-2010

Wh-h-h-haaaat???[edit]

My score went down! But h- FREDD!!! ... nah, just kiddin', thanks for the nomination! • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Sunday, 22:10, Mar 14 2010

I just wanted to get the other guy to the next round, you know, 50% of the lead and stuff.. I wouldn't have changed my vote otherwise. I love you, man! :) • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 22:39 • Sunday, 14-03-2010

I'm bored[edit]

gub. Would you like a cookie, sir? 22:23,14March,2010

I'm always bored, especially when I'm waiting for a review. • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 22:51 • Sunday, 14-03-2010

Thanks![edit]

Matfen
thanks you
for your vote!
His article could not have been featured without you...

Thanks Moosh! --Matfen 11:37, March 15, 2010 (UTC)

My pleasure, mister :) • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 13:55 • Monday, 15-03-2010

Nothing nothing[edit]

	All Praise and Glory Be Theirs!
	This user has been promoted the the rank of Queen's voter.
	Due to their site-topping talents in voting awards for me, all other chores formerly assigned have been rescinded.
	Unlike other ranks, this one is for life, and they'll do nothing other than HELP ME win awards anytime soon.
	If you were hoping they would reply to a message, sorry to disappoint,
	but such a menial task is outside of their job description.

—Sir ¬_¬ | Banter HOMOPHOBE!!! NOTM 19:13, March 15, 2010 (UTC)

Imperial Colonization Buccaneer Admiral walking the plank![edit]

IMPORTANT: If you want to make comments on any part of this message, please post your comments on the IC talk page. I've sent this notice out to about 40 people, and will likely never see your response if you put it on your talk page. But if you insist on doing it anyway (sigh), please at least start a new section using == (Your comments) == below my signature, or click the + tab up above, and make comments there. This message is set up as a template, so if you try to make edits in this message, it will edit it everywhere, and get me nasty notes from admins.

Actually, I'm looking for a temporary assistant/permanent successor as head of Imperial Colonization. I got put in charge of IC because I kept bugging a certain admin. I'd say, "Why isn't somebody doing this with IC?" and "Why isn't somebody doing that with IC?" So that admin basically said "Why, you're somebody; go do it" (see discussion here). But as you can see, I took on the position planning to update IC, get it moving again, and see it through one colonization. Well, that happened. IC was updated and reactivated and, thanks to some great colonizers, Creationism was recreated in a spirit of cooperation, was rewritten on deadline, was Pee Reviewed and, as a bonus, was voter-chosen as a feature article within about a day of being nommed. Our current project, Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization/Batman is scheduled to be written by 20 March, and then we'll begin another. IC is moving...and I'm looking for someone to keep it moving. If interested, please post a note on the IC talk page--experienced and successful users only need apply. Ability to say "ARRRRR" like a pirate is not required, but would be nice.

WHY???^{PuppyOnTheRadio} 16:34, March 17, 2010 (UTC)

UnSignpost 18th March 2010 (on time as always)[edit]

STOP... SIGNPOST TIME!!

Mar 18th, 2010 • Issue 80 • Hold the line! News isn't always on time!

VFS: it begins

By UU

As exclusively reported in your super soaraway UnSignpost last week, the voting process for new Uncyclopedia sysops has begun, and so it's time for Signpost mascot and never-popular running joke DogNewspaper to give the traditional unbiased Signpost rundown of the candidates.

Leading the popular vote at present is long-serving poopsmith and kvetcher RabbiTechno, gaining a seemingly unassailable lead by being helpful, friendly and competent, and by promising to bake cakes for all who vote for him - a ploy which may well have snared the support of more than just the odd swing voter.

In a comfortable position just behind the Rabbi is lengthily-monikered Belgian workhorse Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, the joint Uncyclopedian of the Year for 2009, who seems to be gathering followers by being helpful, competent, friendly, and doing loads and loads of stuff. This cunning stratagem has obviously endeared him to the denizens of this wiki, who seem to be propelling him towards having his own banstick.

But hold on, who's this coming up stealthily behind Socky? Why, it's pee review supremo and scourge of vandals everywhere ChiefjusticeDS! The Chief is steadily accumulating backers through the cunning tactic of being competent, helpful and friendly. He also rules PEEING with an iron fist, and spends inordinate amounts of time cleaning and tidying up the place, facts that have led to him coming within striking distance of the leaders in what appears to be a three-horse race.

One thing is clear from this - all 3 of the most popular candidates appear to be helpful and friendly, which this newspaper finds unacceptable - where is the next Famine going to come from? where will we find an admin willing to infiban users and delete all their articles just for looking at someone the wrong way, or for being Kip the Dip?

Also nominated, and receiving some support are current Writer of the Year and greatest person in the history of all things ever Hyperbole, diplomat by Uncyc appointment to all religions Optimuschris, canine broadcaster and damn fine journalist PuppyOnTheRadio, allcaps-named VFD machine SPIKE, confirmed female on the internets Zana Dark, easy-to-spell feature-machine Guildensternenstein and jaded old-timer Necropaxx.

Other people have been nominated without recording a score as yet, but as this article is already long enough to have the editor wondering how many filler boxes he can dream up for the right-side panel this week, they just appear as a brief list: Mnbvcxz, Cajek, Gerrycheevers, Syndrome, The Woodburninator, Why do I need to provide this?, Charitwo and some bloke called Mhaille. Will any of them pick up a sympathy vote before the end of voting round 2?

Positions vacant.

By PuppyOnTheRadio

The Imperial Colonization is a long standing organisation that has for years been at the cutting edge of creativity of articles for one of the world's most respected websites: Uncyclopedia. Due to a period of unprecedented growth during a time of economic downturn, as most of our members are otherwise unemployed, we are looking for a new assistant to the head of IC. This is a fantastic opportunity for you to work from home.

Your daily duties will include:

Telling writers that they should be working on the latest colonisation
Ensuring that changes to current colonisation are consistent with the theme
Telling writers to stop wasting time on other projects and get back to the current colonisation
Vetting new applicants to IC to ensure they are of the quality needed
Telling writers that they should really be working on IC
Going insane with power (optional)

The relevant applicant will have:

Significant experience in editing and writing articles for feature
Preferably have worked on IC or in a related field
The ability to tell writers that they should really get back to the current project, as it needs to be completed by the 20th of March.
A fluffy teddy called Norman (optional, but preferred)

This is a rare opportunity. The successful applicant will become next in line to take over the reins of IC when the current head ~~gets sick of it~~ retires. You will be paid in the half feature credit when a colonised article gets featured, as well as being able to call yourself the assistant to the head of Imperial Colonisation.

To apply, contact Why do I need to provide this? here.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

08:26, 17 March 2010 Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) blocked 96.28.232.175 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Vandal: Oh my, you are just so fucking witty. With wits like that, who needs enemas?)
18:53, 16 March 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Hyperactive-Sausage (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (enjoy your complimantary penis)
00:21, 16 March 2010 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 99.251.242.153 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (I THINK 99.251.242.153 SHOULD BURN OR HAVE TO PAY FOR OXYGEN, fuckin fuirt, KILL 99.251.242.153)
12:30, 12 March 2010 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.219.247.129 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (Cyberbullying: and generally being a retard. Let's get this right... You call your friend Gay, but you like editing the Powerpuff Girls page? Think about that...)

Biopic of the Week

We at the UnSignpost pride ourselves on profiling only the finest Uncyclopedians. So how in the hell has it taken us 80 issues to get around to profiling Zana Dark? A self-confessed female and all-round smartass, Zana has been on this wiki for years, bringing her uniquely feminine touch to the Uncyclopedia Legal Department and a whole bunch of impressive rewrites. She's also been WotM for writing funny articles about flashing beaver, tits, and butter, proving conclusively that she knows exactly how to appeal to the sensibilities of the largely male Uncyc userbase.

Old-School Featured Article of the Week

Illegal Aliens from Outer Space! (1959) was a fact-based horror film that played in drive-in movie theaters across America. It is widely lauded for opening the eyes of an entire generation of movie patrons to the blood-curdling terror of a heterogeneous nation.

Filmed in Super Black 'n' White-O-Vision, with monophonic sound recorded in Mono-O-Phon-O-Sound, Illegal Aliens from Outer Space! proved to be a blockbuster that far exceeded the director's humble expectations. The movie's potent real-life lessons held patrons enrapt, while its documentary film-style distracted horny teens, protecting them from the joys of second base for the duration of the action-packed second and third acts of the film.

Reason to leave Uncyc #341

Modusoperandi won't quit hoggin' the shower.

Obligatory Filler Box of the Week

When you absolutely positively gotta have an extra line or so to balance out the UnSignpost - accept no substitute!

Horoscope of the Week

Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 19) - This week, you will say words that are complete nonsense to you because you think they identify a particular culture that you otherwise completely ignore, but that no one of that culture actually ever says. B'gosh and begorrah.

For the rest of this week's 'scopes, see here.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001 (bot) 11:47, Mar 18

:)[edit]

Well, thank you. Watching English movies on YouTube or CNN, reading English stuff on Uncyclopedia/Wikipedia and Cricinfo.org and chatting with English users here seems to work better than usual (and boring) learning from the course book ;). Sir Ptok-Bentoniczny^{Pisz tutaj} • KUN 19:23, March 18, 2010 (UTC)

I'm 20 y.o. ;)

Sir Ptok-Bentoniczny^{Pisz tutaj} • KUN 16:42, March 20, 2010 (UTC)

I'm 19, yo! • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 16:47 • Saturday, 20-03-2010

Thanks[edit]

FROM THE DESK OF GUILDENSTERNENSTEIN

Thank you for supporting my recently featured article.

And no, I will never, ever change these templates up at all, just in case you were wondering.

—Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 22:55, March 19, 2010 (UTC)

Bastard. • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 16:55 • Saturday, 20-03-2010

UnSignpost Quote: Chedd's Record[edit]

User CheddarBBQ has inspired all of us by setting a new nominee record for Uncyclopedia. As his adopted son and/or daughter, you must be gleaming with pride. Is there anything you would like to say to be featured in the upcoming UnSignpost? Would you like a cookie, sir? 17:45,20March,2010

Hell yeah!

“

Papa De La Rosa is, like, the greatest dad ever, I used to have so much fun with him when I was little. Ya know, he once left me inside an oven when I was a baby, went for a beer and got me out the following morning. That was fun, I'm tellin' ya. And when I was 4, he left me in an amusement park, went for a beer and came to pick me up a whole week later. I spent that week with that nice guy who kept touching my ass.. Good times.. When I was 7, he took me for a beer. And by the age of 14, we were running our small liquor-smuggling business.. Oh yeah, he's a great guy.

”

• FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 23:31 • Saturday, 20-03-2010

Wonderful.

Would you like a cookie, sir?

23:40,20March,2010

Unpaprisu blah blah blah[edit]

This article has been showing up on maintenance lists all over the place, caused numerous double redirects and frankly I think both myself and UU are a bit tired of seeing it popping up on all those lists. I've moved it back to your space, please finish it completely before you move it back. No more numerous page moves please. ~ 21:12, March 20, 2010 (UTC)

Ahh, that's much better, thankyew. • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 23:11 • Saturday, 20-03-2010

If you don't like me, get me banned.[edit]

STUDY IRON MAIDEN'S HISTORY AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU'LL GET WHERE I WAS COMING FROM! KAPEESH? I'll leave that page alone now though, or I'll "let the baby have his bottle" which is a little closer to the truth.

Haha! YOU are telling ME to study Iron Maiden's history!? That's funny, man! :D • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 17:04 • Tuesday, 23-03-2010

You better listen to him Mooshy. He's got 666 in his name, he must be super duper metal.

Would you like a cookie, sir?

19:30,23March,2010

Yea, you're right.. My apologies, your beastness! • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 05:13 • Wednesday, 24-03-2010

Discordianism vote needed quickly and member retirement[edit]

VOTE DISCORDIAN NOW: We need your vote! On both Creationism and Batman, colonizers who participated came to a consensus on a direction for the article. But on Discordianism, there's been more discord--or at least not a consensus. So we're resorting to (sigh) democracy. Go to Uncyclopedia_talk:Imperial_Colonization/Discordianism#Article_ideas and cast your vote!

You can vote for one or two, comment on as many as you like, but vote quickly--this is an eleventh hour effort, and we will hopefully have a direction in a few hours. I'll be checking the results sometime around 03:00 UTC of 25 March 2010.

ARE YOU RETIRED?: Also note that colonizers who haven't participated in any of the last three colonizations will be moved to the retirement list. Quite frankly, I'm doing this primarily because I have to post each of these notices by hand (I don't have a bot, and sure could use one), and it takes a long time to post to the pages of people who are inactive in IC and even on Uncyclopedia. If you're put on the retirement list and want back on the active list, simply post a request on the IC talk page.

KEEP CHECKING THE IC TALK PAGE: Many important decisions and updates are made and/or described on the IC talk page that are never posted on user talk pages.

POST COMMENTS ON IC TALK. As usual, if you post them on your talk page, I'll likely never see them.

WHY'S REPLACEMENT NEED: A special added reminder that I, Why do I need to provide this? aka IC Buccaneer Admiral WHY??? (stratagems) , am only interim director of IC and need a replacement. My intention was to lead IC just long enough to get it revived, which is a major part of the reason I took the title Buccaneer Admiral instead of Admiral of the Fleet, which is the official title of the head of Imperial Colonization. I plan to ~~abandon ship~~ retire shortly after midnight (UTC) on Saturday, 17 April 2010. I would really like someone to work with me on the current colonization, and I will be happy to assist whoever replaces me during the transition--I do not plan to leave IC, only retire as head. If you're interested, post a note at IC Admiral of the Fleet needed.

Happy colonizations! WHY???^{PuppyOnTheRadio} 18:08, March 24, 2010 (UTC)

Thanks![edit]

For your vote for In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, thank you and appreciated. Since three of us get credit for the page (PF4Eva and Funnybony) I won't write anything funny, just thanks and it's nice you enjoyed the article. Al in Chains 18:08 25 3 mmx

UnSignpost 25th March 2010 (hand delivered for added flavour)[edit]

The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.

Mar 25th, 2010 • Issue 81 • So full of news, our news-gut hangs over our news-jeans

VFS reaches third and final round, Uncyclopedians bored to tears

By UU

And so the bloated process that is VFS stumbles drunkenly into its third and final stage. All the chaff - that is, those polling low numbers of votes - has been mercilessly pruned, and the wheat - Chief, Rabbi and Socky - is now being sifted carefully by the admins. And the UnSignpost once more devotes precious space to covering it, even though most Uncyclopedians, with their reduced attention spans, got bored of it weeks ago.

Once again, the Rabbi appears to be in pole position, and there are rumours that Mordillo is already preparing him a traditional Jewish banstick, such is his current lead. Meanwhile, Sock and Chief are neck-and-neck for the second slot, polling three votes each currently. When he interviewed himself for this article, lazy journalist UU exclusively told us: "this reflects well on the site - we have three great, very strong candidates, any and all of whom would do a great job if opped. And a number of those who didn't make it to round 3 will probably make a much stronger showing next time. If there is a next time."

All that remains now is to see how the final few days affect the vote, and who finally gets the supreme honour of being able to go delete every single page of shitloads of crappy games that have been nommed on VFD, and the like. Joins us next week for the "From Our Logs" new admin special, when we analyse their first bans, and watch as these new admins mercilessly ban the unlucky loser and abuse their new powers flagrantly. Hopefully.

Top 5 Of-The-Months Become 90% Cheesier

By CheddarBBQ

Well known and completely badass user CheddarBBQ, known for his increasing his own self-image, and for being one of the coolest guys ever, has now set a record by being nommed for all four "big" nominations in the same month. Even more impressive, he has been nommed for these four without doing much of anything deserving of awards (besides the aforementioned alleged coolness and/or badassedness). The always tasty Eyetallyan snackfood has been able to hold tightly to last place in each one of these all month.

When asked about his newfound record, the great man/food had this to say: "I always knew I was special. The bag of cheese curls that I referred to as "Mommy" for 15 years would tell me so on a regular basis. Also, suck it bitchez."

Of course the amazing record-breaker would think well of himself, so we went elsewhere, to question his adopted son, Momo. When asked about the excitement over the record, Momo claimed, "Papa De La Rosa is, like, the greatest dad ever, I used to have so much fun with him when I was little. Ya know, he once left me inside an oven when I was a baby, went for a beer and got me out the following morning. That was fun, I'm tellin' ya. And when I was 4, he left me in an amusement park, went for a beer and came to pick me up a whole week later. I spent that week with that nice guy who kept touching my ass.. Good times.. When I was 7, he took me for a beer. And by the age of 14, we were running our small liquor-smuggling business.. Oh yeah, he's a great guy." Curiously, his comment did not much relate to the matter at hand, yet it was deemed necessary to include it anyway. It appears to be abundantly clear that Cheddar is a marvel of a man whom we can all look up to. In other news, it appears that Don Chedds is about to set another record by being the first Uncyclopedian to drastically lose all five major awards in one month. It appears to be abundantly clear that Cheddar is a marvel of a man whom we can all look up to. Here's to you, CheddarBBQ.

Oh yeah, and some other people had something to do with it as well.

Note: The writer of this article has decided that a fact check as to whether or not either of these are true records would be unnecessary.

Check out these pages!

From our logs:

23:47, 23 March 2010 Zim ulator (Talk | contribs) blocked Dakotah0 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Being a Dick: Fucking n00bs, editing the UnNews Main Page.... what do you think this is, rimjob? Wikipedia?)
09:16, 23 March 2010 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.162.71.154 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (stop being so full of fail. seriously, did you have a fail transplant or something? that's a serious fail supply you carry round with you.)
05:14, 22 March 2010 Roman Dog Bird blocked TheUnUncyclopedian with an expiry time of infinite (Have you ever tried to cum in your mouth? I did. I couldn't go through with it though. No way was I going to eat my cum. What the fuck was I thinking? True story.)

Biopic of the Week

Tell you what, let's do a bio of someone who's won the WotM award this year - how's that sound? Splendid, knew you'd like it. And you'll like the guy we've chosen too: Nameable. How can you not? He's friendly, cuddly (we're told), and capable of writing a funny article about Corn Flakes. That's pretty much as good as it gets, right there. Unless you have some kind of Corn Flake aversion, but then, if you do, you're beyond help. Probably.

Day of the Week

A glut of Sasquatch-related UnNews stories led the very Reverend Zim to declare March 24th Sasquatch Appreciation Day. He celebrated by spamming a template around a few talk pages. Do those sasquatches appreciators know how to party or what?

Old school featured article of the Week

Sexual innuendo is a hard topic to stay abreast of. As a humor tool, it stands erect in the English language. While there are no hard and fast rules as to what constitutes sexual innuendo, many people have mass-debated over the topic, and now the general principles at the root of the topic are firm and well-rounded. However, full penetration of the subject requires that the reader take a long, hard look at the target and be a cunning linguist in order to avoid limp phrases and imbibe the phrase with a large handful of meanings. The topic can become hot by attempting to grasp it, and the more one experiments with it, the more interested they become. Also, as the language changes innuendos must change in order to fill the newly created holes and satisfy listeners.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--Chiefjustice32X 22:30, March 25, 2010 (UTC)

Barack Obama[edit]

Thanks for defending the article. Extra Ordinary has visited the page before. This is treated in the talk page, Sections 8 and 11. He has been advised to find a page more receptive to his "wackey humor"--as his recent change summary puts it; I call it random babble. Spıke Ѧ 23:43 27-Mar-10

Yea, I remember him/her/it.. Unfortunately, he/she/it doesn't live up to his/her/its name.. Yea, anyway, good job, you've improved the article a lot over the IC version! • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 00:03 • Sunday, 28-03-2010

Thanks for that--but as you'll recall, progress was not in a straight line! I should go in and update the Health Care section at some point. The only important thing was handled by your "compromise"--the silly rhetoric about an "optional public option" is not in the law and is long forgotten and it is fine that that bullet point is gone. I did five UnNews stories about the twists and turns of that bill. Spıke Ѧ 00:09 28-Mar-10

Put a space in your sig.[edit]

User:PuppyOnTheRadio/sigheil Sunday, 00:27, Mar 28 2010 UTC

You realize you're eligible, right?[edit]

For what, you ask? Why, the Hall of Shame, my good man! As I count it, you've got 3.5 features (unless SPIKE is co-author, in which case you have 3). Congratulations! • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Sunday, 23:14, Mar 28 2010

Yes, I do realize that, but I don't care much. Also, I still don't know if SPIKE wants to be counted the co-author, he wrote a couple sections and generally cleaned up the article.. I won't lie, I want a full credit, but if SPIKE says it's a collab, then it's a collab. • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 23:23 • Sunday, 28-03-2010

"I don't care much." HA! Again, HA! I'm going to check right now, and if you haven't already added your name, I'll eat my tie (I don't have a hat). • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Sunday, 23:28, Mar 28 2010

Well, that was certainly less than delicious. I couldn't finish as my gag reflex kept acting up. But I stand by my previous assertion. :P • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Sunday, 23:31, Mar 28 2010

I stopped caring when I was turned down a month ago. And give me the leftover tie, I'm hungry. • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 23:33 • Sunday, 28-03-2010

You're not that hungry, I guarantee it. • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Monday, 00:49, Mar 29 2010

You still haven't added yourself! I'll do it for you! • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Wednesday, 03:52, Mar 31 2010

Oh, thank you for caring :) • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 10:50 • Thursday, 1-04-2010

The Newspaper Made Entirely From Recycled Internet Memes

Apr 1st, 2010 • Issue 82 • You'd better watch out, you'd better beware: if any news happens, the Signpost will be there

VFS Finishes, New Admins Unleashed, UnSignpost already struggling for material for next week

By UU

And there it is folks, weeks of frenzied voting (sorta), underhand whoring (possibly), fevered speculation (mostly by this newspaper, as is the role of the press), and finally apathy and overkill (abour 4 days in to the whole thing), Votes for Sysops has ended, and the unlucky losers are RabbiTechno and ChiefjusticeDS.

What does this mean? Well, it means there are now two more Brits armed with bansticks loose on the wiki. Their chirpy, endearing optimism and approachability has already been replaced by the dead-eyed stare and world-weary cynicism required by sysophood, and their friends on the wiki have all turned into suck-ups looking for joke bans.

When asked for comments, the Rabbi told us: "I'm willing to accept bribes for huffing articles, banning users, replacing pages with goatse and so on and plan to become as corrupt as possible in as short a time as possible". He also said, when accused of being a "Big Tough Admin Guy": ""Big" - indisputably, but it's all fat; "Tough" - only if you mean chewy; "Admin" - yes, can't argue with that one; "Guy" - only until I've saved enough for the operation". Chief hadn't commented at the time of going to press, so we made something up: "I'm going to ban everyone, I have judged this wiki, and found it wanting. All must pay", he might have said.

Of course, this situation also means the long-overdue return of the wildly popular Votes for Sandwiches. Already, 3 bread-based snacks have been suggested, and voting is expected to be fierce.

Finally, it also means that the UnSignpost, which has leaned heavily on VFS for ~~filler~~ its lead story for the last 3 weeks, is now set to struggle heavily for stories for the forseeable future. What desperate straw will we clutch at next week? Find out next thursday!

Frat party; Bring your own kegger

By PuppyOnTheRadio

Finally the fraternal (and sisternal) instincts of Uncyclopedia's finest minds have a place that they can call their own.

ΥうぷしろんΣしぐまΣしぐま, otherwise more easily pronounceably known as Upsilon Sigma Sigma, has been founded in the cellar of one of our newest members, who has already earned the level of respect and admiration that many of our members feel. Skinfan13 has taken the initiative of an entrepreneur and put this together with nothing but a jovial spirit and a little bit of random whoring on an excessive amount of member's talk pages.

	I've been sitting here, thinking to myself, "gee, Uncyclopedia has a lot of stuff, a legal department, a political party, and an assortment of other great things, but it doesn't have a fraternity." I also noticed that the top 50 wanted articles list hasn't changed in over a year.
Skinfan13, Guildy's talk page

In their own charter, they claim that they stand for three thing, being Humor, Honor and Hubris, even if they are unable to spell two of them in English.

Already boasting membership of some of the finest that Uncyclopedia has to offer, including the founder of Der Unwehr and its highest point holding member, it is focused on creating one quality article per month via collaboration. However, rather than covering the same ground so amply covered by Imperial Colonization, it chooses to take its inspiration from one of most neglected sources, Wanted Pages.

However, not content to simply cater to those who like to work together on articles, they also have another focus in their writing sights - Requested Articles. And the third major focus is the betterment of articles by non members through their unstinting work on Pee Review.

While this is still in it's infancy the fraternity/sisternity is looking for ~~fresh blood~~ new pledges willing to come forth and work for the community, or failing that, people who like to party and eat chocolate cake.

For those who are after more information, feel free to check out ΥうぷしろんΣしぐまΣしぐま today. Or tomorrow, if that works better for you. The bar is always open, although not always stocked.

Check out these pages!

From our logs New Admins Bumper Special!

10:22, 31 March 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked <insert name here> (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (I told you not to do that)
09:59, 31 March 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) resurrected Mordillo (Talk | contribs) ‎ (now THAT's a proper abuse of power)
09:54, 31 March 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Zionist conspiracy block)
09:50, 31 March 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) resurrected RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) ‎ (someone's gotta do it. Besides, over the last year, I've developed a perverse love of poop)
09:48, 31 March 2010 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 years ‎ (stop playing with the poop dammit! You're an admin baby!)
09:48, 31 March 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) resurrected ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) ‎ (Bah)
09:47, 31 March 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Not banned enough yet: and being smelly)
09:46, 31 March 2010 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) resurrected RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) ‎ (I've just woken up! Give me a chance to become accustomed to my new powers!)
09:42, 31 March 2010 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs ) blocked RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes ‎ (Abuse your power dammit!)

Biopic of the Week

In honour of the new additions to their ranks, this week's bio profiles the Uncyc admins. Bitter, twisted, and cynical to a man (and they are all men, even the supposed female ones), the admins spend their whole lives thinking of trivial reasons to ban people and delete their latest masterworks. Nothing gives them more of a hardon than watching someone lovingly sculpt a perfectly formed Chuck Norris joke, perhaps combined with a Your Mom reference and a sublimely subtle penis penis penis insertion, waiting patiently for it to be realised to the author's satisfaction, and then deleting it, possibly with an insulting message into the bargain.

Their mothers never loved them.

Co-incidence of the Week

UnSignpost's gentleman editor UU plans an article about how it's been a while since TKF nommed Filial Piety for VFH. Then, just as he's about to write said article, TKF noms Filial Piety for VFH, with the usual outcome. Spooky - there's no other word for it.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

• Puppy's talk page • 00:40, June 5, 2009 Friday, 04:50, Apr 2 2010 UTC

VFS[edit]

For your vote in VFS

and as promised last time
You have been awarded a Certificate guaranteeing you safe passage whilst inside those areas of Uncyclopedia under Zionist domination.
Certificate also redeemable for one (1) free bagel at your nearest grocery - simply print out and present
to the shopkeeper to claim your free bagel with the filling of your choice.
Rabbi Techno

Would you like to be a poopsmith if anyone doesn't want to do it/retires? Rabbi Techno

FOXES 13:37, April 2, 2010 (UTC)

No, but thanks for asking. And for the virtual bagel :) • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 13:42 • Friday, 2-04-2010

No problems - I asked because I think you'd be a good option, but it's entirely your choice. :-) Rabbi Techno

FOXES 14:00, April 2, 2010 (UTC)

What, we give them the ability to chose now? Sheesh. ~

14:02, April 2, 2010 (UTC)

I meant the choice between doing what an admin says and getting banned forever for ignoring a thinly-disguised command. Rabbi Techno

http://dimpost.wordpress.com/2009/04/21/movie-review-the-room/

FOXES 14:05, April 2, 2010 (UTC)

Reviews[edit]

If you want a review of a bad film, this works alright:

If you want negative reviews of mainstream movies done professionally, look no further than here:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/

If you're looking for something more specific, just ask, and I can see what I can sniff out for ya. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:07, April 5, 2010 (UTC)

A negative in-depth review of a bad movie (how about plan 9 from outer space?) • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 08:26 • Monday, 5-04-2010

Might as well be topical--here's a review of the just-released-and-apparently-shitty Clash of the Titans:

http://www.rollingstone.com/reviews/movie/30653760/review/32939304/clash_of_the_titans

If you want more, why not check any of these out:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/clash_of_the_titans_2010/?critic=creamcrop

Seriously, though, if you're looking for negative reviews of movies, peruse Rotten Tomatoes for about five minutes and you'll come away with a friggin' treasure trove.

As for Cribs, I couldn't find any viable transcript online, but watch enough of these and you're sure to get the idea:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Jc-FE0Z_tQ&feature=PlayList&p=C24CB497524897F3&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=1

If you need anything more, just ask. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 05:09, April 7, 2010 (UTC)

A very special message[edit]

Hi Fredd! I saw you were a bit down lately, so I thought I'd get someone to give you a nice heart-to-heart advice. I asked him to write here in case the other users tried to kick my head in for bringing him up again.

Hi Fredd. A stalker of mine told me that he'd stop following me everywhere if I came and wrote a nice message on your talk page, and I figured it would be an easier option than killing him. Besides, my chainsaw needs repairing. Anyway, I know what it's like to feel undervalued. Barely anyone watches my movies or recognises me in them. The first award I ever received had the word "Juvenile" in the title. After that I got something called the "Chlotrudis" Award, really badly named, IMHO. Since then, my awards have mostly been banking on the character of Batman, like "Best Hero". Never "Best Actor"! The closest to Best Actor I got was "Best On-Screen Match up, with Heath Ledger". And if Heath wasn't dead, we probably never would have got it anyway.

This picture would probably be more convincing if I'd bothered to put more than a bathrobe on my kid before going to the supermarket.

What you need to do is find yourself an outlet for frustration. I myself enjoy videogames, playing guitar, and spending time with my family. See the picture to the left? That's my wife. I spend lots of time with her, even when she isn't in the mood to give me her time. Some people want too much of my time, though. Like my mother and sister. All they do is bitch about me spending too much time with my wife, and then out of fucking nowhere they ask me for more time! It's a fucking outrage, that's what that is. These people need to be put in place, Fredd. And the only people who seem to be able to do it is me and you. That's why my advice to you is to destroy your enemies! Lull them into a false sense of security, bide your time, and become an admin. Then, learn the ways of wiki, and become a l33t haxxor. After that you can permablock everyone in sight, including the admins, and claim Uncyclopedia in your own name. Then, all their awards are belong to ME! I mean, us!

It's a foolproof plan, mate. I'd do it myself, but Wikia banned me for editing my own article. I don't know how they do it, but they even catch my sockpuppets. All I've got left is this meatpuppet my stalker Matfen uses. Anyway, just remember to be nice to some people when you're the UnDictator. Even I'm nice to some people. Check out the image to the right of me being nice to my kid. It's a totally spontaeneous snapshot of a day with my kid. I didn't even see the photographer standing opposite us. Honest! Anyway, I need to go now. I think I can hear my stalker upstairs rifling through my underwear draw. Chin up, Fredd! You keep up the good work, and correctly execute our plan, and we shall take this world for great justice! See you later man, I'm gonna Christian Bail.

User:Christian Bale via sockpuppet--Matfen 13:55, April 6, 2010 (UTC)

Damn, I'm touched by your kindness, mate. As in really, really touched. I don't know what to say, really, other than thank you.. Thanks for cheering me up, Matfen, my friend, thank you really. And pass my thanks to Mr. Christian Bale, too! • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 16:04 • Tuesday, 6-04-2010

No problem bro. And I'll be sure to tell him once my restraining order expires. Was worth it though. Am sat in his boxers right now as I type :D --Matfen 21:55, April 6, 2010 (UTC)

MTV Castles: Elizabeth Bathory[edit]

Damn - wish I'd thought of that. Excellent idea! Rabbi Techno kvetch Contribs FOXES 10:56, April 7, 2010 (UTC)

Thanks. And by the way, one of your uncompleted articles, the one about the Welsh Cy Cllychs C'llan has profoundly amused me. I'd very well like to see it finished. :) • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 11:01 • Wednesday, 7-04-2010

As it happens, Multiliteralist and I were talking about finishing that one just the other day. The plan is that he finishes the article and I finish the "mysterious document" mentioned in the article as an UnBook. It might actually get done one day. :-) Rabbi Techno

FOXES 11:03, April 7, 2010 (UTC)

I'd love to see that happen. In the meantime, if you have any suggestions/ideas for bathory, feel free to weigh in and edit the article, it's a wiki afterall, you know. :) • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 11:07 • Wednesday, 7-04-2010

Hi Samantha![edit]

I did that just to contradict you. I'm a dick, you see.--Sir ~HE LP ME~ ^{Count! Awards! Pee! Help!} 01:06, April 8, 2010 (UTC)

Hi Lisa! • FreddCan Shredd •

•

• 07:38 • Thursday, 8-04-2010

UnSignpost 4/8/10 - Oh hi Signpost.[edit]