Revisionist History

It's December 19, 2012.  I was deeply concerned that no-one had blogged in the month of November.  No one.  Not once.

And so I wrote this.

And backdated it to November.

Wipe that look of horror off your pudding face.  They do worse things on Wall Street every day.

Oooh. Another sin.

Christmas: Not my least unfavorite time of year

The pagan holiday that was adopted by followers of some guy was celebrated two days ago by millions and millions of ignoramuses who don't realize the intent. America has been in a deep recession for I-don't-know-how-long, and the corporations were hungry for more money since the geeks and yuppies at the mall didn't supply enough money on Black Friday after freezing their britches off, economists speculate. The sales were poorer then expected, since Nintendo, Sony, or Microsoft didn't unleash a new gadget to make parents burn their hard-earned money and the government stopped production of lightbulbs for Easy-Bake ovens. It was a win for corporations, since they got their yearly dough to pay for the CEO's third solid gold toilet. They are now selling leftover Christmas crap for New-Years. And preparing for Valentines Day, my most unfavorite time of year. So, yeah, I got some crap for Christmas that was produced by Laotian boys in shops. Oww, where's the light?

Joyous Commercial Conformity Period, comrades!

A quick glance over at our home-printed calendar --the one with a faded picture of the dog with a Santa hat (damn my ailing 1996 dot matrix printer)-- tells me it's Christmas Eve.

My alternative advent calendar (pictured right, photo taken some three weeks ago) was exhausted on 2 December, so I have been unable to keep track of time effectively for quite a while now. Admittedly, this is mostly because I have been drunk for the best part of four weeks. Which reminds me, let me know anything, anything at all, that happened during the period 27 November-23 December, for I seem to have misplaced my grandfather clock.

Right, I'm off to do important stuff, like buy some reeeally last-minute presents from the petrol station, because I know none of you will actually be reading this message on 24 December. You'll be tucked up in bed waiting for some bloke with severe insantaty to throw himself down your chimney so you can knee him in the gonads, of course!

So to all a good night, and remember to spare a moment and think about the true meaning of Christmas... the presents. My goodness, the presents! Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, baby

As is customary for this time of year, Illogiblog would like to extend a hearty "Happy Christmas" to its readers, all three of them (wait, that joke sounds painfully familiar). Unlike in years past, however, we aren't doing anything special, and for that you have Roberto merchant bankers to thank. Yep, for once it isn't all Big Bob's fault.

Never mind, though, because Christmas isn't about money, it's about kicking shopping arcade Santas in the 'nads and getting away with it. And watching that rubbish Arnold Schwarzenegger thing where he beats up a factory of Father Christmases.

Anyhow, I hope you all get what you want, though I know that this rarely ever happens. Turns out you can't buy a Bcbkye commemorative mantelpiece plate for love nor money at this time of year. *Sigh*. Looks like I'll have to settle for Does This Bus Go to Orpington? The Board Game again. Do not come to our house for Christmas tea or you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

Merry Chrimbo from Illogicopedia

If you're reading this post at work, then get your Scrooge of a boss to let you home early because, just in case it has escaped your attention, it's Christmas.

You all know what that means, don't you? Yes, it's the annual Illogicopedia Festive Bash!

You are cordially invited to a bit of a Chrimbo do down at Illogic HQ. Help yourself to endless banana fritters courtesy our Chinese chef -- who, by the way, is no relation to the French Chipmunk Chef, and can't get enough battered turkey, sprouts and chipolata sausages.

For vegetarians, there's also bread sticks and slices of toast with butter made from grass and stuff that's grown in the ground. For fat people there is also Diet Coke and carrot sticks, which are definitely not from McDonald's because they have 200 calories per stick. That's as much as three quarters of a Mars bar!

Festivities are currently underway and will continue until everyone falls asleep and gets locked in the office until Wednesday. So please, join us for some festive frolics this Christmas!

Thoughts of the Week (Dec 20)

Hey hey, kids! It's the Illogiblog thoughts o't' week again, brought to you by Illogicopedia's very own moaning Northerner, the Yak. Let's see what Santy's got in store for you this Chrimbo week on th'blog.

• The Christmas Rockin' Article Pursuit is taking off now, with at least four entries guaranteed. There's still time to enter - get your entries in before 12PM UST on 22nd December and you'll be in with a shout of making the coveted Christmas Day feature!
• As you will have noticed from the previous post, the old Illogicopedia has been renamed Wackypedia. The whole case isn't completely closed yet but at least, for now, we can all get on with actually improving the Illogicopedia instead of bickering with Wikia dudes.
• The front page has been tweaked a bit based on some improvements suggested by Ben. Looking a bit better now and it certainly helps differentiate between us and Wikia. Noodles!
• Illogicopedia has now broken into the top 1.9 million sites on Alexa. Not massively significant, but news nonetheless.
• Things were a bit barren a few days ago but it seems activity around recent changes has picked up once more as people have broken up for Christmas. You know what that means? More time for surfing ?pedia!
• I just earned seven dollars fourteen cents this week for doing next to nothing. Yeah, I signed up to a paid blogging service, so there's now another blog on the net to spread Illogicopedia propaganda and improve its Google Rank! I urge you to do the same and do your bit for Illogic. AID EPOC IGOLLI! Also, watch out for a featured website post whoring for my newest propaganda tool. Minted.

Phew. So that's what's happening around the Illogicopedian house this festive period. Altogether now: "Christmas my arse!"

2008: A Retrospective

Greetings from Illogic HQ!

Over the coming weeks the Illogiblog shall be taking an affectionate look back at the events of 2008. It's been a fun year, with Illogicopedia reaching a higher audience share than ever and the article count topping 5,000 and we're all a lot more insane for it.

Work on the retrospective began in Octodest as one whole document (yes, this is two months in the making) and is ready for publication here at the Illogiblog. At the end, we'll consider whacking it all into a Word document or something so you can print it out and sell it to homeless people. Keep checking back for more posts, which will include a look back at topics such as the best forum posts, collaborative projects and major events which shook Illogicopedia to the core.

Stay chooned, and in the meantime enjoy your Christmas.

Enter the Annual CRAP competition!

Ever wanted to get your article on the front page?

Yep, and I already did that ages ago. ~ Smart Alec

Shut up, you. This is your chance to have your very own featured article over the hectic Christmas period, when literally tens of people flood to the Illogicopedia because they have nothing better to do.

The Christmas Rockin' Article Pursuit

It's m-m-magical! ~ Mr Hankey

Enter the Christmas Rockin' Article Pursuit today, because there's only a week left to perfect your article into a finely tuned Santa's Grotto of fun-filled festive frivolity. Go on, get in the Christmas spirit!

A Christmas present

I finally got round to getting some content together for IllogiTV. The first upload is a Gallery of artistic creations by you, the IllogiBlog readers. Enjoy!



Artworks featured:

• Angel vs. Blaine, DizTheGreat
• Boom!, The Killer Fruitcake
• Cute kitty, Asema
• Duck Dancing, Fonchezzz
• Fat Bird, Fashionista5676
  
• Goat Fluffer, Testostereich
• Homicidal Screaming Carrot, The Divine Fluffalizer
• Huge Person, Hindleyite
• Helloolleh Fears No SMG, HelloolleH
• Scribble, Fonchezzz
  
• Senate, Eupocalith
  
• You Can't Read This, Ryan.
  
• Zombie Truck, Flameviper

If anybody has any vids we could use on the IllogiTV channel, drop me a line.

Illogi Classics - #8, Santa

A festive special in the series celebrating the best of Illogicopedia.

Santa Claus

This wonderful Christmas tale chronicles one young person's encounter with the fabled Santa Claus. It's a bittersweet tale embodying true Christmas spirit (in July) and a town in the middle of the kleptomaniac season:

"Tis the season to nick tellies."

I saw Santa once. It was at Tescos: he said "what do you want for Christmas? Ho ho ho?" And I said, yeah, three hoes. To do my gardening, of course. He still sent me whores though - he must be going deaf in his old age. Phew, what a Christmas that was, especially considering I was 9 at the time.

A Merry Christmas to all three of our readers

Well, it isn't Christmas yet, but this year's festive period is special. No, it isn't the Second Coming of Christ or anything like that, we've got a Chrimbo article competition for you all. Enter today and you could* win some Christmas pudding and a lump of coal!

Hurry, though. You only have until the 22nd of Ditzimber (that's December to sane people) to finish your article, so get writing.

More info

*notice I said 'could'
**Image by me, reproduced with kind permission from absolutely nobody.