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Ev'nin' Guvnor, cast yer mincepies at Uncyclopædia Britannica, the content-free encyclopedia that any Tom, Dick or 'Arry can edit.

Northern translation:Ey up luv! Get yers arse on t' Uncyclopedia, before Tom, Dick or Arry do or ye gunner get a thrapin'!

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Colonisations for the week include Canada, Newfoundland, Australia and New Zealand. Rule Britannia!

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On the telly tonight

Captain Autofellatio is a noble and powerful superhero. His powers include a slightly longer than usual penis and an unusually flexible spine. Captain Autofellatio uses these powers to keep citizens safe from harm and to give himself oral pleasures. Well, mostly to give himself oral pleasures.

Along with his compatriots in arms, Captain Obvious, Captain Understatement, and Captain Oblivious, Captain Autofellatio forms one-fourth of the powerful superhero team, The Good Four. The team had originally called themselves the Fantastic Four, but were sued for copyright infringement, and when it came time to rename their squad their hearts just weren't in it. (Full article...)

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Lest we forget

August 22: Obvious Day (24-hour period to celebrate the recognition of things which are readily apparent)

1492 - First encounter between Native Americans and Europeans. "I think these guys are up to no good," the local shaman remarks after being promptly shot.
1717 - Spanish troops land on Sardinia. Having forgotten the can opener, they promptly leave.
1939 - The Third Reich and the Nazis continue their march across Europe. This is bad.
1940 - As the Germans invade Belgium, a local looks up from his waffles and remarks "This seems somehow familiar."
1945 - Nazis defeated. This is good.
1948 - Jewish state of Israel founded in the predominantly Arab Middle East. This will later cause problems.
1966 - Captain Obvious is born. Doctor proclaims, "It's a boy," because the child has a penis.
1973 - Brutal, murderous dictator Augusto Pinochet takes control over Chile. "I bet the CIA is helping this guy," says a random intellectual just before being abducted by a group of soldiers in black helicopters.
2012 - People actually acknowledge that the Titanic was in fact not unsinkable.

Ye Royal Archives

Paddington Blair's word for today is
procrastination
Try to use it in your conversations. Knowledge is power.

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Auntie Beeb reports:

Kamala Harris announces her VP pick

Ukraine finally plays its Uno Reverse card against Russia
Tommy Wiseau making movie on cocaine sharks
Harris announces shark as running mate (Pictured)
Trump: How could an Indian be Black?
Nigel Farage blames murder on migrants and sucks Trump's dick
YouTuber Mr. Beast really professional fraudster.
Olympic Games begin with Lady Gaga at opening ceremony
Cocaine sharks now in Brazil
Michael Bay working on Skibidi Toilet movie
Joe Biden drops out of the presidential election in social media statement
Houston now controlled by gangs after Hurricane Beryl
Presidential candidate and former president Donald Trump gets shot at rally, rushed offstage
Stephen Root warns character actors of impending doom: "You're not safe either, Malcolm McDowell"

Ongoing: Russian Invasion • Israel-Hamas conflict • United States presidential election
Recent deaths: Bob Newhart • Aerosmith • Charles Cyphers • Olympic Games • Elon Musk's attempt to interview Trump • Gena Rowlands • Peter Marshall • Greg Kihn
Upcoming deaths: Vladimir Putin • Kate Middleton • Elon Musk's home firewalls • Unity in America • Noam Chomsky • The Sims 5 • Larry • His brother Darryl • His other brother Darryl • Google as a monopoly • "Weird Al" Yankovic

More Current Events at Beeb News

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Did you chaps know...

... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?

Do you blimey care...[ソースを編集へんしゅう]

... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?

Care to read more?

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Recent dispatches from the colonies:

United Empire Loyalist of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners