「Christopher Columbus」の版 間 の差分
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{{Wikipedia}} |
{{Wikipedia}} |
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− | '''Christopher Columbus''' (October 1451 - May 1506), also known as Saint Columbus, is responsible for embarking on one of the first trans Atlantic trips to visit the sad and lonely Native Americans. |
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+ | '''Christopher Columbus''' ([[Spanish]]: ''Cristobal [[Colon|Colón]]''; October 30, 1451 – May 20, 1506) was a Dutch explorer and cattle breeder who accidentally discovered [[North America|America]], becoming the second [[white person]] to do so (the first one obviously being [[The Book of Moron|Jesus Christ]], duh) . The [[District of Columbia]], the nation of [[Colombia]], and the [[television]] show ''Colombo'' were all named in his honour. Ironically, the [[continent]] he discovered was not named after him; rather, it is named after ''[[American Idol]]''. Christopher Columbus also spread coronavirus to the Native Americans. |
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⚫ | Native Americans |
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+ | ==America before Columbus== |
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⚫ | [[Native Americans]] such as the Navajo, Blackfoot, and Chocktaw had inhabited the land we now know as America for centuries, but they were lonely. These people had not seen a [[foreigner]] since the 10th century when the [[Norse]] came by for a visit but sadly left before the natives could really get to know them. |
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⚫ | The native people also found themselves with far too much [[land]] and too many natural resources. Every [[winter]], they would pack up their tents and move away from the region they had inhabited for [[month]]s, disgusted by its abundance and natural [[beauty]]. For many generations, they would solemnly wander about the continent with their [[family|families]] and some [[cattle]], praying to finally find the small, gated [[environment]] of poor [[schools]] and classy [[casinos]] they had always searched for. |
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− | ==Savior of Natives== |
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+ | ==Saviour of the natives== |
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⚫ | Columbus landed on |
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+ | [[File:Christopher Columbus3.jpg|thumb|left|250px|Columbus arrives in the New World, bringing the sword, the cross, and dozens of sexually repressed sailors.]] |
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+ | Christopher Columbus offended [[Queen Elizabeth I]] in 1490 on a royal trip by quoting ''Mein Kampf'', and as punishment, The Queen sent him West "out to sea" to "discover a new land" as a joke. Due to his possession of a "satisfactory" brain, light complexion and bloodthirsty desire to mutilate natives of other lands and kingdoms, his ship was propelled forward by the spirit of ''der [[Adolf Hitler|Führer]]'' at close to the speed of sound, allowing him to settle down in Central America quickly enough that his complete lack of navigational and seafaring expertise did not render his trip a disaster. |
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+ | Claims Columbus sadistically dismembered the native population for disobedience are mostly incorrect. Christopher Columbus was merely preparing them to have cybernetic augments installed "for the wars to come", describing their existing limbs as "obsolete". He asserted that a lack of iron resources due to the fact he'd massacred the only village near the mine for the crime of "insolence" was the primary factor behind his inability to complete his work in creating a transhumanist fighting force. Unfortunately, this meant they remained limbless in perpetuity but most of their relatives were taken as slaves by Columbus himself in order to reduce their workload. Columbus was very altruistic like that. |
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⚫ | Columbus landed on an [[island]] in the [[UnScripts:It's Spring Break!|Bahamas]] which the natives mistakenly called "Guanahani". As the first [[nice|compassionate]] act on his trip, Columbus kindly corrected them, informing them that the island was actually called "San Salvador". Columbus showed great patience with the Salvadorians, writing to the Spanish [[King]], [[Ferdinand]], on October 14, 1492: |
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⚫ | Following Columbus's death |
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⚫ | {{cquote|They ought to make good and skilled [[slaves|servants]], for they repeat very quickly whatever we say to them. I have even taught a few of the [[women]] to slowly dip – and when they are done to gently pump – yet they do not stop; they proceed with great and fluid vigour, stroking ... don't tell Isabella.}} |
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⚫ | Columbus managed to [[kidnap|save]] ten to twenty-five natives from the harsh environment of San Salvador, taking them back to [[Europe]] with him. Interestingly enough, only seven or eight of the native Indians arrived in Spain [[alive]], but they were overjoyed to find [[slavery|work]] in the city of {{w|Seville}}. |
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− | ==War with the Hornets== |
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− | An Unknown fact is that when Christopher Columbus found America he had to take a giant shit, so he jumped out of his boat and ran off into the woods. Little did the retard know he shit on a [[Hornet]] nest, his poop plopped right on them - naturally pissing them off. He was stung 556 times in the ass, this made him declare war on the Hornets, and anything that looked like a Hornet. He began systematically wiping out Hornets, Wasps, Mud Daubers, Bee's, Killer Bee's, and Humming Birds. When he died the campaign was abandoned. This is why the Hornets, [[Wasp]], [[Mud Dauber]], Bee's, and Killer Bee's have a natural hate toward humans. Humming Birds are in a current state of negotiation with President [[Black Obama]]. |
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+ | ==Legacy== |
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+ | [[File:Map_am.jpg|thumb|right|alt=map|A mad man's delirious fantasy]] |
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⚫ | Following Columbus's<!--co lum bus sizz--> [[death]] many jealous [[men]], who were in love with Ferdinand and envious of the attention Columbus had received from him, sought to tarnish his [[name]]. The worst among them was [[Amerigo Vespucci]], who went so far as to claim that Columbus had not even visited [[India]]. Vespucci [[dick]]ishly had his adventures financed by King Manuel I of [[Portugal]], the obvious rival of Spain. Not only this, he sought to explore only ''South'' America, the obvious rival to Columbus's ''North'' America. |
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− | ==The True Story Of Christopher Columbus (C.C)== |
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− | Contrary to popular and historical belief, C.C. did not set out from Spain to find India, he was, in fact a member of the great [[Fadeakbags]] (Freaks). He was coaxed by a person known only as 'The Anonymous Informant' into sailing over the Atlantic. |
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− | After sailing in his trusty boat and commanding from his slightly enlarged crow's nest (83 times the size of the boat) he reached America and set off to find the 'SPIKES'. He was furious when he realized he was lied to by the A.I. and set off the gunpower stocks in his ship (whilst he was in the galley) and was blown to smithadeens. From this moment he loved pain, regenerated and set out to find the most pain ever in the world. |
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+ | *[[Vasco da Gama]] |
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+ | *[[Amerigo Vespucci]] |
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+ | *[[Prince Madog]] |
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*[[The Spain-Team]] |
*[[The Spain-Team]] |
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− | | title = [[The Official List of the Best Things in Existence|Best Thing in Existence]] |
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− | | years = [[1492|1492 AD]]-[[1776|1776 AD]] |
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− | | before = [[Printing|The Printing Press]] |
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− | | after = [[Homosexuality]] |
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− | |}} |
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{{DEFAULTSORT:Columbus, Christopher}} |
{{DEFAULTSORT:Columbus, Christopher}} |
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[[Category:Italian people]] |
[[Category:Italian people]] |
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[[Category:Explorers]] |
[[Category:Explorers]] |
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[[Category:Vital articles]] |
[[Category:Vital articles]] |
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+ | {{Link FA|nl}} |
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+ | {{Link FA|es}} |
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+ | [[bar:Christoph Columbus]] |
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[[cs:Kryštof Kolumbus]] |
[[cs:Kryštof Kolumbus]] |
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+ | [[da:Christoffer Columbus]] |
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[[de:Christoph Kolumbus]] |
[[de:Christoph Kolumbus]] |
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− | [[el:Κολόμβος]] |
+ | [[el:Χριστόφορος Κολόμβος]] |
+ | [[eo:Kolumbo]] |
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[[es:Cristóbal Colón]] |
[[es:Cristóbal Colón]] |
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+ | [[fi:Kristoffer Kolumbus]] |
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[[fr:Christophe Colomb]] |
[[fr:Christophe Colomb]] |
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+ | [[gl:Cristovo Colón]] |
− | [[he:כריסטופר קולומבוס]] |
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[[hu:Kolumbusz Kristóf]] |
[[hu:Kolumbusz Kristóf]] |
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+ | [[io:Cristoforo Colombo]] |
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[[it:Cristoforo Colombo]] |
[[it:Cristoforo Colombo]] |
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[[ja:クリストファー・コロンブス]] |
[[ja:クリストファー・コロンブス]] |
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+ | [[nds:Christoph Kamelumbus]] |
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+ | [[nl:Christoffel Columbus]] |
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+ | [[nn:Columbus]] |
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+ | [[no:Christofer Columbus]] |
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[[pt:Cristóvão Colombo]] |
[[pt:Cristóvão Colombo]] |
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[[ru:Колумб, Светофор Бонифатьевич]] |
[[ru:Колумб, Светофор Бонифатьевич]] |
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+ | [[sk:Krištof Kolumbus]] |
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+ | [[sv:Christofer Columbus]] |
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2023年 7月 13日 (木) 22:22時点 における最新 版
Christopher Columbus (Spanish: Cristobal Colón; October 30, 1451 – May 20, 1506) was a Dutch explorer and cattle breeder who accidentally discovered America, becoming the second white person to do so (the first one obviously being Jesus Christ, duh) . The District of Columbia, the nation of Colombia, and the television show Colombo were all named in his honour. Ironically, the continent he discovered was not named after him; rather, it is named after American Idol. Christopher Columbus also spread coronavirus to the Native Americans.
America before Columbus[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Native Americans such as the Navajo, Blackfoot, and Chocktaw had inhabited the land we now know as America for centuries, but they were lonely. These people had not seen a foreigner since the 10th century when the Norse came by for a visit but sadly left before the natives could really get to know them.
The native people also found themselves with far too much land and too many natural resources. Every winter, they would pack up their tents and move away from the region they had inhabited for months, disgusted by its abundance and natural beauty. For many generations, they would solemnly wander about the continent with their families and some cattle, praying to finally find the small, gated environment of poor schools and classy casinos they had always searched for.
Saviour of the natives[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Christopher Columbus offended Queen Elizabeth I in 1490 on a royal trip by quoting Mein Kampf, and as punishment, The Queen sent him West "out to sea" to "discover a new land" as a joke. Due to his possession of a "satisfactory" brain, light complexion and bloodthirsty desire to mutilate natives of other lands and kingdoms, his ship was propelled forward by the spirit of der Führer at close to the speed of sound, allowing him to settle down in Central America quickly enough that his complete lack of navigational and seafaring expertise did not render his trip a disaster.
Claims Columbus sadistically dismembered the native population for disobedience are mostly incorrect. Christopher Columbus was merely preparing them to have cybernetic augments installed "for the wars to come", describing their existing limbs as "obsolete". He asserted that a lack of iron resources due to the fact he'd massacred the only village near the mine for the crime of "insolence" was the primary factor behind his inability to complete his work in creating a transhumanist fighting force. Unfortunately, this meant they remained limbless in perpetuity but most of their relatives were taken as slaves by Columbus himself in order to reduce their workload. Columbus was very altruistic like that.
On the evening of August 3, 1492, Columbus departed from Palos de la Frontera in search of India with three ships: the Santa María ex-Gallega, the Pinta, and the Santa Clara, who liked to be called Niña by her friends.
Columbus landed on an island in the Bahamas which the natives mistakenly called "Guanahani". As the first compassionate act on his trip, Columbus kindly corrected them, informing them that the island was actually called "San Salvador". Columbus showed great patience with the Salvadorians, writing to the Spanish King, Ferdinand, on October 14, 1492:
“ | They ought to make good and skilled servants, for they repeat very quickly whatever we say to them. I have even taught a few of the women to slowly dip – and when they are done to gently pump – yet they do not stop; they proceed with great and fluid vigour, stroking ... don't tell Isabella. | ” |
Columbus managed to save ten to twenty-five natives from the harsh environment of San Salvador, taking them back to Europe with him. Interestingly enough, only seven or eight of the native Indians arrived in Spain alive, but they were overjoyed to find work in the city of Seville.
Legacy[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Following Columbus's death many jealous men, who were in love with Ferdinand and envious of the attention Columbus had received from him, sought to tarnish his name. The worst among them was Amerigo Vespucci, who went so far as to claim that Columbus had not even visited India. Vespucci dickishly had his adventures financed by King Manuel I of Portugal, the obvious rival of Spain. Not only this, he sought to explore only South America, the obvious rival to Columbus's North America.
See also[編集 | ソースを編集 ]