「Christopher Columbus」の版 間 の差分
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+ | [[File:Christopher_Columbus_Face.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Christopher Columbus, very disappointed with the Native Americans' inferiority]] |
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{{Wikipedia}} |
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| ⚫ | '''Christopher Columbus''' ([[Spanish]]: ''Cristobal Colón'' |
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| ⚫ | '''Christopher Columbus''' ([[Spanish]]: ''Cristobal [[Colon|Colón]]''; October 30, 1451 – May 20, 1506) was a Dutch explorer and cattle breeder who accidentally discovered [[North America|America]], becoming the second [[white person]] to do so (the first one obviously being [[The Book of Moron|Jesus Christ]], duh) . The [[District of Columbia]], the nation of [[Colombia]], and the [[television]] show ''Colombo'' were all named in his honour. Ironically, the [[continent]] he discovered was not named after him; rather, it is named after ''[[American Idol]]''. Christopher Columbus also spread coronavirus to the Native Americans. |
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| ⚫ | Native Americans |
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| + | ==America before Columbus== |
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| ⚫ | [[Native Americans]] such as the Navajo, Blackfoot, and Chocktaw had inhabited the land we now know as America for centuries, but they were lonely. These people had not seen a [[foreigner]] since the 10th century when the [[Norse]] came by for a visit but sadly left before the natives could really get to know them. |
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| ⚫ | The native people also found themselves with far too much [[land]] and too many natural resources. Every [[winter]], they would pack up their tents and move away from the region they had inhabited for [[month]]s, disgusted by its abundance and natural [[beauty]]. For many generations, they would solemnly wander about the continent with their [[family|families]] and some [[cattle]], praying to finally find the small, gated [[environment]] of poor [[schools]] and classy [[casinos]] they had always searched for. |
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| − | When he landed there were 100 million people living on the continent of America, and at the beginning of [[WW1]] only 1.4 million of them saw fit to [[Lazy|bother]] living long enough to take advantage of the facilities which Columbus had so generously provided for them. |
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| − | == |
+ | ==Saviour of the natives== |
| + | [[File:Christopher Columbus3.jpg|thumb|left|250px|Columbus arrives in the New World, bringing the sword, the cross, and dozens of sexually repressed sailors.]] |
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| + | Christopher Columbus offended [[Queen Elizabeth I]] in 1490 on a royal trip by quoting ''Mein Kampf'', and as punishment, The Queen sent him West "out to sea" to "discover a new land" as a joke. Due to his possession of a "satisfactory" brain, light complexion and bloodthirsty desire to mutilate natives of other lands and kingdoms, his ship was propelled forward by the spirit of ''der [[Adolf Hitler|Führer]]'' at close to the speed of sound, allowing him to settle down in Central America quickly enough that his complete lack of navigational and seafaring expertise did not render his trip a disaster. |
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| ⚫ | Columbus landed on |
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| + | Claims Columbus sadistically dismembered the native population for disobedience are mostly incorrect. Christopher Columbus was merely preparing them to have cybernetic augments installed "for the wars to come", describing their existing limbs as "obsolete". He asserted that a lack of iron resources due to the fact he'd massacred the only village near the mine for the crime of "insolence" was the primary factor behind his inability to complete his work in creating a transhumanist fighting force. Unfortunately, this meant they remained limbless in perpetuity but most of their relatives were taken as slaves by Columbus himself in order to reduce their workload. Columbus was very altruistic like that. |
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| ⚫ | {{cquote|They ought to make good and skilled servants, for they repeat very quickly whatever we say to them. I have even taught a few of the women to slowly dip |
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| ⚫ | Columbus landed on an [[island]] in the [[UnScripts:It's Spring Break!|Bahamas]] which the natives mistakenly called "Guanahani". As the first [[nice|compassionate]] act on his trip, Columbus kindly corrected them, informing them that the island was actually called "San Salvador". Columbus showed great patience with the Salvadorians, writing to the Spanish [[King]], [[Ferdinand]], on October 14, 1492: |
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| ⚫ | {{cquote|They ought to make good and skilled [[slaves|servants]], for they repeat very quickly whatever we say to them. I have even taught a few of the [[women]] to slowly dip – and when they are done to gently pump – yet they do not stop; they proceed with great and fluid vigour, stroking ... don't tell Isabella.}} |
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| ⚫ | Following Columbus's death |
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| ⚫ | Columbus managed to [[kidnap|save]] ten to twenty-five natives from the harsh environment of San Salvador, taking them back to [[Europe]] with him. Interestingly enough, only seven or eight of the native Indians arrived in Spain [[alive]], but they were overjoyed to find [[slavery|work]] in the city of {{w|Seville}}. |
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| − | ==The True Story Of Christopher Columbus (C.C)== |
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| − | America was on the Piri Reis map, which... Kinda helped... |
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| + | ==Legacy== |
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| − | ==Behind the Scenes== |
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| − | Washington Irving's 1828 biography of Columbus popularized the idea that Columbus had difficulty obtaining support for his plan because many Catholic theologians insisted that the Earth was flat. In fact, most educated Westerners had understood that the Earth was spherical at least since the time of [[Aristotle]], who lived before your mum lost her virginity. The sphericity of the Earth is also accounted for in the work of Ptolemy, on which ancient astronomy was largely based. Christian writers whose works clearly reflect the conviction that the Earth is spherical include Saint Bede the Venerable in his Reckoning of Time, written around AD 723. The [[Church]] of course generally cut peoples balls off if they said that kinda thing, and so most people generally kept quiet about it. |
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| ⚫ | Following Columbus's<!--co lum bus sizz--> [[death]] many jealous [[men]], who were in love with Ferdinand and envious of the attention Columbus had received from him, sought to tarnish his [[name]]. The worst among them was [[Amerigo Vespucci]], who went so far as to claim that Columbus had not even visited [[India]]. Vespucci [[dick]]ishly had his adventures financed by King Manuel I of [[Portugal]], the obvious rival of Spain. Not only this, he sought to explore only ''South'' America, the obvious rival to Columbus's ''North'' America. |
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| − | Columbus differed from the view accepted by scholars in his day with his estimate of the westward distance from Europe to Asia. Columbus took three factors: his low estimate of the size of the Earth, his high estimate of the size of the Eurasian landmass, and his belief that Japan and other inhabited islands lay far to the east of the coast of China. |
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| − | Unfortunately Columbus had ballsed it up. He had hit America thinking he had found Asia, and spent the rest of his life sailing up and down the coast of America thinking he could get through to India. When everyone finally got pissed off with him wasting all their cash on pointlessness he was Tard and Feathered and sent home to live as a N00b serving grapes to Eratosthenes. |
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==See also== |
==See also== |
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| + | *[[Vasco da Gama]] |
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| + | *[[Amerigo Vespucci]] |
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| + | *[[Prince Madog]] |
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*[[The Spain-Team]] |
*[[The Spain-Team]] |
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| − | *[[Earth]] |
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| − | *[[Boats]] |
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| − | | title = [[The Official List of the Best Things in Existence|Best Thing in Existence]] |
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| − | | years = [[1492|1492 AD]]-[[1776|1776 AD]] |
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| − | | before = [[Printing|The Printing Press]] |
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| − | | after = [[Homosexuality]] |
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| − | |}} |
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{{DEFAULTSORT:Columbus, Christopher}} |
{{DEFAULTSORT:Columbus, Christopher}} |
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[[Category:Italian people]] |
[[Category:Italian people]] |
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[[Category:Explorers]] |
[[Category:Explorers]] |
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[[Category:Vital articles]] |
[[Category:Vital articles]] |
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{{Link FA|nl}} |
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[[cs:Kryštof Kolumbus]] |
[[cs:Kryštof Kolumbus]] |
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| + | [[da:Christoffer Columbus]] |
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[[de:Christoph Kolumbus]] |
[[de:Christoph Kolumbus]] |
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| − | [[el:Κολόμβος]] |
+ | [[el:Χριστόφορος Κολόμβος]] |
| + | [[eo:Kolumbo]] |
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[[es:Cristóbal Colón]] |
[[es:Cristóbal Colón]] |
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[[fi:Kristoffer Kolumbus]] |
[[fi:Kristoffer Kolumbus]] |
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[[fr:Christophe Colomb]] |
[[fr:Christophe Colomb]] |
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| + | [[gl:Cristovo Colón]] |
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| − | [[he:כריסטופר קולומבוס]] |
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[[hu:Kolumbusz Kristóf]] |
[[hu:Kolumbusz Kristóf]] |
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| + | [[io:Cristoforo Colombo]] |
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[[it:Cristoforo Colombo]] |
[[it:Cristoforo Colombo]] |
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[[ja:クリストファー・コロンブス]] |
[[ja:クリストファー・コロンブス]] |
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| + | [[nds:Christoph Kamelumbus]] |
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| + | [[nl:Christoffel Columbus]] |
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| + | [[nn:Columbus]] |
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[[no:Christofer Columbus]] |
[[no:Christofer Columbus]] |
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[[pt:Cristóvão Colombo]] |
[[pt:Cristóvão Colombo]] |
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[[ru:Колумб, Светофор Бонифатьевич]] |
[[ru:Колумб, Светофор Бонифатьевич]] |
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| + | [[sk:Krištof Kolumbus]] |
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| + | [[sv:Christofer Columbus]] |
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2023年 7月 13日 (木) 22:22時点 における最新 版
Christopher Columbus (Spanish: Cristobal Colón; October 30, 1451 – May 20, 1506) was a Dutch explorer and cattle breeder who accidentally discovered America, becoming the second white person to do so (the first one obviously being Jesus Christ, duh) . The District of Columbia, the nation of Colombia, and the television show Colombo were all named in his honour. Ironically, the continent he discovered was not named after him; rather, it is named after American Idol. Christopher Columbus also spread coronavirus to the Native Americans.
America before Columbus[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Native Americans such as the Navajo, Blackfoot, and Chocktaw had inhabited the land we now know as America for centuries, but they were lonely. These people had not seen a foreigner since the 10th century when the Norse came by for a visit but sadly left before the natives could really get to know them.
The native people also found themselves with far too much land and too many natural resources. Every winter, they would pack up their tents and move away from the region they had inhabited for months, disgusted by its abundance and natural beauty. For many generations, they would solemnly wander about the continent with their families and some cattle, praying to finally find the small, gated environment of poor schools and classy casinos they had always searched for.
Saviour of the natives[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Christopher Columbus offended Queen Elizabeth I in 1490 on a royal trip by quoting Mein Kampf, and as punishment, The Queen sent him West "out to sea" to "discover a new land" as a joke. Due to his possession of a "satisfactory" brain, light complexion and bloodthirsty desire to mutilate natives of other lands and kingdoms, his ship was propelled forward by the spirit of der Führer at close to the speed of sound, allowing him to settle down in Central America quickly enough that his complete lack of navigational and seafaring expertise did not render his trip a disaster.
Claims Columbus sadistically dismembered the native population for disobedience are mostly incorrect. Christopher Columbus was merely preparing them to have cybernetic augments installed "for the wars to come", describing their existing limbs as "obsolete". He asserted that a lack of iron resources due to the fact he'd massacred the only village near the mine for the crime of "insolence" was the primary factor behind his inability to complete his work in creating a transhumanist fighting force. Unfortunately, this meant they remained limbless in perpetuity but most of their relatives were taken as slaves by Columbus himself in order to reduce their workload. Columbus was very altruistic like that.
On the evening of August 3, 1492, Columbus departed from Palos de la Frontera in search of India with three ships: the Santa María ex-Gallega, the Pinta, and the Santa Clara, who liked to be called Niña by her friends.
Columbus landed on an island in the Bahamas which the natives mistakenly called "Guanahani". As the first compassionate act on his trip, Columbus kindly corrected them, informing them that the island was actually called "San Salvador". Columbus showed great patience with the Salvadorians, writing to the Spanish King, Ferdinand, on October 14, 1492:
| “ | They ought to make good and skilled servants, for they repeat very quickly whatever we say to them. I have even taught a few of the women to slowly dip – and when they are done to gently pump – yet they do not stop; they proceed with great and fluid vigour, stroking ... don't tell Isabella. | ” |
Columbus managed to save ten to twenty-five natives from the harsh environment of San Salvador, taking them back to Europe with him. Interestingly enough, only seven or eight of the native Indians arrived in Spain alive, but they were overjoyed to find work in the city of Seville.
Legacy[編集 | ソースを編集 ]
Following Columbus's death many jealous men, who were in love with Ferdinand and envious of the attention Columbus had received from him, sought to tarnish his name. The worst among them was Amerigo Vespucci, who went so far as to claim that Columbus had not even visited India. Vespucci dickishly had his adventures financed by King Manuel I of Portugal, the obvious rival of Spain. Not only this, he sought to explore only South America, the obvious rival to Columbus's North America.
See also[編集 | ソースを編集 ]