User:Vaselinepirate2/Vatheline

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“An ounthe of Vatheline equalth countleth pothibilitieth”
~ Othcar Wilde on Vatheline

“Thlick openingth, big fun, and oily orgathmth are the colourful thignature of the native Toronto mammal, Vatheline”
~ Thteve Irwin on Vatheline

Contentth

Vatheline in Antiquity

Thought to be dithcovered by early pirateth, Vatheline was originally uthed ath a food condiment. It wath later learned that it could be uthed for lotth of other thingth; thuch as suffocating tickth, and greathing up thingth on your body for lubricathion purpotheth. Thith ith what made Vatheline tho popular. It is now uthed almotht tholely for teh butttheckth.^{[citation needed]}

Taming your convenienthe thithe tube

While Vatheline wath dethigned and bred primarily for the club kid on the go, it ith thought by thome to be the ultimate anuth moithturither. Thith often dothile white petroleum jelly can be found crouching in doorwayth, lithtening to your mother wrapping chrithtmath prethentth, lithping, oothing out of unfriendly orifitheth, vathillating, leaning, and preventing diaper rathh. It ith advithed that when you do find thith calm, therene, thhy, dermatologitht recommended creature in a home or offithe thetting, that you do not tap on the glath. Although it won't clog your poreth if you do, it may thathily latch onto your faith in a hungry rage, and become increathingly difficult to remove the more you attempt to wipe it off. In matterth of taming the thlick Vatheline creature, never apply too much, and always athure it that it ith, indeed, hypoallergenic. A typical 50g tube ith likely to bring you better luck in matterth of the heart. Thimply uthe 1, 2 or 3 fingers, and thcoop up a little dab of Vatheline, and apply to whatever you want to by gently but firmly rubbing it in. Over a period of 2 minuteth after rubbing, it will begin thqueaking, moaning, lithping, and cauthing you to thhout the liketh "Yeth, Yeth, YETH", and "Harder, HARDER, you bathtard" with a lithp – and this is the way you know you have properly moithturithed thomething. Keep rubbing until it thtopth thqueaking, moaning and thhouting, and you will have to thtart all over. You may have to really lay into it, but Vatheline will do the trick every time.

Common mithcontheptionth

Contrary to popular belief, Vatheline can altho be uthed for:

pwn the n00bth
home mortgage refinanthing
warding off white people with lithpth
a main ingredient in lava lampth
block all bitch ath-neth
a thalad toppin'
moithturithing dry thore teatth

Vatheline mutht NOT be uthed for:

dipping your chicken nuggetth
buffing your thcallywag
rectal exploration activitieth
eating up by the thpoonful - thith ith not recommended becauthe it may cauthe thevere anal leakage and/or Herthhey thquirtth in your britcheth, pantieth or thongth.