Portal:Religion
Welcome to Uncyclopedia's Religion portal By far the holiest portal you will ever find.
CATEGORIES: Category:Atheism - Category:Christianity - Hinduism - Category:Islam - Category:Judaism - Category:God - Category:Gods - Category:Goddesses - Category:Magic - Category:Mythology - Religious Leaders - All... |
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God (who also goes by the aliases Yahweh, Allah and Jehovah to evade debt collectors) is the supreme Holy Lord. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of Himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, and Devil's food cake. He is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God Himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe's most notorious compulsive gambler.
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Todd Lyons |
Q: What did Jesus mean when He said the meek will "inherit the earth"? Am I supposed to be doing something to prepare? If so, what? — T. L.
A: First of all it's important to realize you are not alone in your worry. As you probably well know, it was during His Sermon on the Mount that Jesus said: "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth" (Matthew 5:5).
This has caused no shortage of anxiety on the part of the meek, who are given to being rather squeamish in the first place.…
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The Messiah, goes to Heaven for three days, to let his Father borrow His glue gun.
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— Oscar Wilde on Jehovah witness protection program
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EARTH, Sol System -- The Rapture, long awaited by people who don't want to hang around to see how it all turns out, finally occurred this morning, catching even the most militant biblical literalists by surprise. At approximately two o'clock (GMT), various body parts of pious citizens across the globe simply disappeared.
"Yeah, my bad." apologized the archangel Michael at the post-Rapture press conference. "It's a numbers thing, you see. We'd initially planned for 144,000 male Jewish virgins 'plus guest'..."…
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Abu Hamza • Adam • Adam and Eve • Adam Smith • Agnostic • Allah • Angels • Angry Atheist • Anti-Baker • Anti-God • Anti-Muhammed • Antichrist • Azathoth and Nyarlathotep • Baal • Bahá'í • Baphomet • Baptists • Bible Thumper • Bibleman • Bill (son of God) • Bill Bennett • Brian of Nazareth • Brian Tamaki • Cat-tholic • Cliff Richard • Cthulhu • Cyborg Jesus • Cyborg Judas • Dark Lord • Demons • DinoJesus • Ed MacMahon • Ehtheists • Eucharist • Evil Jesus • Father Christmas • Fred Phelps • Ganesha • Gay Jesus • George Hammond • Gnostic • God 2.0 • God Steiger • God/Funny version • God/Unused • God: The Interviews • God-Fearing Republicans • God-Fearing Republicans • Gods • Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want • Gumby • Guy Fawkes • Heretic • Hermaphrodite • Hezbollah (Humanitarian Movement) • Hieronymus Bosch • His Holiness, the Dalai Lama • Ignatius of Loyola • Jamshid Bauerdinedshad • Jebus • Jedi • Jehovah • Jehovah's Witness • Jehovah's Witnesses • Jeohovas witness • Jerry Falwell • Jesus 2.0 • Jesus and the Miracle 5 • Jesus Christ - Alcoholic • Jesus Fucking Christ • Jesus Hasselhoff • Jesús • Jew/Classic • Jew • John Travolta • JR "Bob" Dobbs • Judas Eukaryote • Kaspar Hauser • Keanu Reeves • Khalil Gibran • Loki • Martin Luther King Jr. • Maximus the Lesser • McJesus • Mentalist • Mexican Jesus • Moloch • Monk seal • Monk • Mormons • Muslim • Nega-Pope • Nun • Odin • Pagan • Pelé • Pope Anacletus • Pope Linus • Pope Peter • Protestant • Quakers • Ramayana • Rambo • Ramtha • Raptor Jesus • Ray Comfort • Republican Jesus • Robert Tilton • Saint Augustine • Saint • Samurai Lincoln • Santa Claus • Satan • Shirley Phelps-Roper • Shirley Temple • Søren Kierkegaard • St. Belia • St. Bernard • Stan • Sweet smoking Jesus • Tao jones • The God Couple • The Holy Ghost • The Holy Goh • The Holy Rock • The Holy Spirit • Theist • Thetans • Tooth Fairy • Walpurga (saint) • Wild Jews • Zombie Jesus
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A proper Christian burial • Armageddon • Baptise • Chronikkah • Creation • Cthulhu Day • Damnation • December 21, 2012 • Doomsday • Easter of the Living Dead • Exorcism • First Communion • God v. Nietzsche • God v. Nietzsche • God vs. New York • Holy Week • Mass (church) • Passover • Premarital wanking • Presentation of the Lard • Reincarnation • Religious relic trading • Sacrifice • Salvation • Sermon • The Flood Trial • The Great Flood • The Rapture • The Second Coming • War on Science
A.R.C. • Bible belt • Cheetahs Gentleman's Club • Christian Right • Church • Church of Architect • Church of Awesomeness • Church of Buffy • Church of Golly • Church of Later Day Saints • Church of Michael Jordan • Church of Nihilism • Church of Ross • Church of Sony • Church of the facts of Saint Jobs and the Holy Apples • Church of the Ironic Cheesecake.Inc • Cult • Cult of Apple • Cult of Relativity • Dark side • Dashboard Confessional • Episcopal Church • Family First Party • First Fundamentalist Church of Skepticism, Reformed • Grammatical Pantheon • Great Commission Ministries • Holy Market • Intelligent Design By Committee • Kansas Board of Education • Landover Baptist Church • Manic Street Preachers • Moomon Church of His Spaghettiness • Mosque • Mosques • Mount of Venus • Neon Genesis Evangelion • Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God • Phantasy Star Online • Purgatory • Reformed Church of Alfredo • Salisbury Cathedral • San Andreas Fault • Seventh Day Adventist Church • Society of Jesus • Soul market • St. Peter's Basilica • Stairway to Heaven • Talibanland • That 700 Club • The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy • The Church of Ass and Nipple Slips • The Church of SharkJesus and the Latter Day Sharks • The Church of Tyra • The Church • The Fundamentalist Church of Megan Fox • The Second Coming Project • The Vatican • Theocracy • United Church of Awesome • Worshippers of the Absolutely Amazing Electric Jellyfish • Wu-Tang Clan
Name: | Abraham | Lao-tse | Buddha | Jesus | Mohammed | Charles Darwin | Bobby Henderson | L. Ron Hubbard | Oscar Wilde |
Co-founders, Pretenders, Prophets: | Moses | Peter, Paul, & Mary, Martin Luther |
Ali, Abu Bakr, Umar, Uthmar | Richard Dawkins | Tom Cruise, John Travolta |
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Religion(s): | Judaism | Taoism | Buddhism | Christianity, Catholicism, Protestantism, approx. 1000 more sects and spin-offs | Islam, Sunni, Shia, Sufis, Alawis, Druze, assorted bizarre desert sects | Atheism, Theory of Evolution | Pastafarianism | Scientology | Uncyclopedia |
Miracles (approx.): | 20 | 1 | 7 | 200 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 (honest) |
Covenants & Promises: | Milk, honey, and eternal life | Being one with the universe | Reincarnation, Nirvana | Eternal life | Eternal life, 72 virgins for bonus level | Freedom of thought | Pasta, stripper factory, and beer volcano | Deliverance from wealth, friends and sanity | You will kneel before Wilde. |
Enlightenment (kW): | 1.5 | 150 | 200 | 1.6 | 1.25 | 180 | 100 | -10 000 | ∞ |
Wives (approx.): | 2-3 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 9-30 | 1 | unlimited | 3 (so far) | Ha, ha, ha! |
Followers: | 30-40 mln. (approx.) | 60 mln. (approx.) | 375 mln. | 2.1 bln. | 1.3 bln. | 500 mln. | 120 bln. | 42 | Uncyclopedia admins |
Violent followers: | 2.0% | 0.1% | 0.1% | 2.5% | 2.6% | 0.000001% | 0.01% | 60% | 100% |
Overall result: | GOOD | GOOD | GOOD | NOT BAD | COULD DO BETTER | POOR | EXCELLENT | COULD DO BETTER | POOR |
Value for money: | FAIR | FAIR | FAIR | GOOD | COULD DO BETTER | EXCELLENT | EXCELLENT | EXCELLENT | COULD DO BETTER |
The Christio-Religio Ladderal Hiearchy | |
Top Rung, the Holy Trinity: God, Jesus, & the Holy Spirit, opposed by Satan Middle Rung, the Holy Triforce: Mrs. God, Jesús, & The Holy Ghost, opposed by Stan |
The Holy Family of the Jesii † | †||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
The Sacred Host of Major Jesii
The So-So Company of Other Jesii
The Abandoned Hallway of Unwanted Jesii
The Sacred Host of Minor Jesii
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Fear their wrath, and beware their confusing names. If you are confused about which one you want, it's probably Original Satan. | |
Original Satan: The one who fell first. | The Scourge of Europe: EuroSatan |
Satan Claus: Ensnaring dyslexics looking for Santa. | Satan's apprentice: Prince of Darkness |
Satan Bunny: Beware his cuddliness. | The scariest Satan: Antichrist |
Crankypants Satan: Invented toddlers and Disco | The most incomprehensible Satan: Anti-Christ |
Space Satan: aka Bat Fuck Satan | Satan of gaming: Sega |
Hellmo: Satan of Sesame Street | Satan in command of enemy forces in War on Terra: Bambi |
Satin: Is his name a typo? | Satan's younger brother: Stan |
Dick Cheney: Republican Satan. | Satan's socialist alter ego: The Devil |
GLaDOS: Futuristic Satan of portal | Satan of video gaming: EA |
The Seven Deadly Sins |
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Greed - Wrath - Gluttony - Pornography - Envy - Indifference - SPAM |
How can you even think of such things? |
Enjoy their presents, and rejoice their jolly names. If you are still confused about which one you want, you were probably much better off with Original Santa. | |
Future Santa: AKA The Ghost of Christmas Future | Save yourself from Robot Santa! |
Black Santa: (Insert a racist joke here) | The kids' most loved bishop:Eurosanta |
Satan Claus: He sees you when you're sleeping... | And if you thought one Satanic Satan was enough... Satan Clause |
Scally Santa: UK's most beloved guy. | The father of all Santas: Father Christmas |
If you are still unsatisfied with these Santas, you can always check out even... | |
More Santas |
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